http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/en-UKMokoFeed10http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/71/0414c1017789f2caff1fd35dfc9aec_160x200.jpghttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/11/19/every-now-and-then-7412814/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-11-19:/2009/11/19/every-now-and-then-7412814/Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:16:27 +0100 <p>So its been over a month since my last post and once again I'm compelled to write...</p> <p>Every now and then I get so completely depressed, disillusioned, demoralised and demotivated I just completely fail to be productive for anything at all. I'm not getting anything done and haven't done for weeks. I'm just plodding along. Something is very wrong with me that I can't just get of my arse and get things done. Partly its because I can go on without doing much, and partly its because I don't want to do anything. I'm being a complete waste of space at the moment.</p> <p>G had a absolute explosion of emotion on Sunday - I was still in bed and she was moaning about not having any money for Christmas. I commented that perhaps she could earn some for herself (since all three of the kids are now at school full time) and one way or another this led her to yell at me at the top of her voice "I HATE YOU!" about 5 times as she left the bedroom. This persisted for most of the day, in full view of the kids. I got pretty angry and yelled back. She screamed about how her family don't like the way I treat her and she just generally had a good old go at me. She would hit her head with the palm of her hand over and over, rocking back and forth, repeatedly saying "you have done this to me" and "you're screwing me up, I've got to get away", all in front of the kids. It was a scene not unfamiliar to those in mental institutions.</p> <p>I'm fairly open minded. I'm not sure if I've done this to her or not. I was at counselling this year and I spent quite a bit of time convincing myself that I probably don't cause all these problems, while being open the prospect of being a big contributor to them of course. That said, when your wife is rocking back and forth talking to herself like this you can only start to believe her. I burst into tears because if I have caused all these problems I certainly haven't intended to. I really do want a happy and somewhat quiet life. I don't get any benefit or pleasure from undermining my own wife. I did say to her, me wrecking her is like me gouging out my own eyes - there's no sense to it.</p> <p>Subsequently she's been apologetic and depressive and I've been really quite shaken up. The thing is that she is still making things for her "business". That is a business that makes no money whatsoever (and indeed has cost us quite a fortune over the years). She has been trying to earn money and failed. In fact, she was out last night selling stuff she'd spent a lot of this week making. I asked her how much she'd earned - she said £40. I asked her how much she spent on Monday at the shop buying the raw materials for the stuff she made and she said £41. And yet she is still doing it, spending her time and money on these things. She's out again tonight to do the same again. And again on Saturday. And again next weekend. </p> <p>Part of me feels sorry for her. She is in turmoil about how to make money, how to make something of herself, how to "feel like a person again" (her words). I can understand how awfully hard it is for mums who feel like they have lost their identity and self-respect by leaving work to look after kids. It must be extremely difficult. I can also understand anxieties about going back to work, not having money. I can also understand the frustration of not earning any money, feeling more worthless, and even blaming it all on your husband. I can see how it comes to this. Its just that understanding all this doesn't make living with it any more palatable.</p> <p>Months ago she said she wanted a part time job when C starts school full time. I see this as progress. I have no money after paying all the bills and I certainly can't afford Christmas without going into debt. Also, G needs to get out of the house - she needs adult company and conversation. She needs to have her independence - her own money. She needs to feel like she contributes effectively. So I encouraged her to get a job - not entirely selflessly, but constructively all the same.</p> <p>She is quite particular. She doesn't want to go back to her trained profession. In fact she says she wants the least responsibility but at the same time she appears reluctant to admit this apparent retrograde step in her professional life - another extremely difficult challenge that faces working mothers. So she expressed an interest in working for a supermarket - less responsibility, minimum-wage work with somewhat flexible hours. She went to one supermarket and they didn't have any jobs. That was it - the hunt appeared to be over.</p> <p>As the weeks past our youngest C finally went to school full time and G was home all alone. Frankly, she was bored. She didn't really do anything - nothing at all. I still did the kids lunchboxes, I still tidied and hoovered, I still got them dressed in the mornings, I still made their breakfasts. She booked Christmas fairs for her to sell her wares. More recently she has been consuming all the daylight hours making stuff to sell at these fairs. It appears the same old cycle carries on.</p> <p>I tried to help by monitoring supermarket jobs on the web. When I found one that suited her requirements I told her about it. She seemed interested so I offered to fill in the application and I did. I made sure she was happy all the while. Only this Sunday did she complain that I bullied her into applying. I should never have helped and now its all my fault and I am always going to be to blame, whether she gets or takes the job or not.</p> <p>So I am slowly learning to backoff. Let her make her stuff. Let her sell her stuff at fairs. Let her find her own job if at all. It only comes to a crunch when, during this period of being hands-off and uninvolved, she complains that she hasn't got any money and how she can't afford Christmas. Neither can I and the argument starts all over again.</p> <p>What's to do eh? Thoroughly miserable and depressing. And to think, I work full-time, look after the kids at other times, and I earn a reasonably good salary yet I can't even buy myself a winter coat because there's always something more important to buy first or there simply isn't any money left at all. I refuse to continue to go into debt to pay for things - I'd rather go without. I've had enough of debts - they imprison me in my life.</p> <p>I think I'm slowly descending into depression, anxiety and frustration, and I can't see a way out. There is no control yet there is also no sense in what I see going on around me. I cannot engage with people to change things because I become responsible for all the bad things that happen.</p> <p>Perhaps I have done this to G. I have crushed her down into a pulp with no worth, no value, like a piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe (as she puts it). Perhaps I do treat her like a skivvy, a wench. I don't want to be a person who does these things, but how to put them right? I don't know what is going on but what I do know is that there is definitely dysfunction here and it depresses me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/11/19/every-now-and-then-7412814/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/11/19/every-now-and-then-7412814/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/10/05/all-disney-d-out-7103229/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-10-05:/2009/10/05/all-disney-d-out-7103229/Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:02:10 +0200 <p>Just returned from 6 nights (yes, six!) at Disneyland Paris and it would be fair to say that I am all Disney'd out..! If I hear the theme from "it's a small world" one more time I might just take Mickey Mouse hostage and hang him ;-)</p> <p>That said, we did have a good time, the kids absolutely loved it and the weather was fantastic for late September. We drove this time (having flown in the past) and it was much more convenient and flexible, especially with little-ones. Expensive though! Lucky I bough half-board vouchers so we ate in the restaurants - most costing £75+ for a simple meal for the five of us!!</p> <p>Suffering from the same old "post-vacation blues" I get when returning to work after some time off... hence the time spent writing here. I notice I haven't been here for over a month - since August in fact (missing the whole of September - naughty me!).</p> <p>Things with G are still a bit icy. I'm getting more and more contemptuous of her family whenever I see or hear from them... they make me cringe and they always seem to be around. Its a pain in the neck, but this year I've managed to balance it somewhat with lots of time with my own family.</p> <p>Autumn is definitely here this week - its cooling down and getting wet. I would be looking forward to Christmas if my finances weren't in such diabolical state. Not quite sure how I'm going finance us next year - another year without contributing to my pension and selling all my vacation I guess. gee great.</p> <p>ttfn </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/10/05/all-disney-d-out-7103229/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/10/05/all-disney-d-out-7103229/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/08/24/its-been-so-long-6808110/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-08-24:/2009/08/24/its-been-so-long-6808110/Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:17:57 +0200 <p>This is my first post for over a month!</p> <p>Things are a bit weird at the moment. I had my last (seventh) counselling session earlier this month and I have made loads of progress. I am a more self-assured and confident person as a result. I've started to see interesting changes in myself. I've started to eat more meat (having become virtually vegetarian) and I've started to do things I previously didn't enjoy (I spent yesterday at the beach in the hot sun - it was fantastic). Its almost as if I've lost that massively self-conscious side to me a bit - I'm much more able to exist. My brother used to describe me as "scared of human beings" because I didn't like to socialise with other children - and I suppose I was scared. I'm still a bit scared of people, but lately I've been able to go about my business with far far fewer inhibitions. Its great.</p> <p>This is, for me, progress indeed.</p> <p>What doesn't change, though, are all the people around me. G, the kids and the extended family. I'm really making a much bigger effort to spend time with my own family during the summer months (they aren't around in the winter) and this is proving to be good for me. I went to a great-aunty's birthday party in a city hours away last week and I saw family members I haven't seen for about 20 years! It was fantastic! I even did karaoke (badly)!</p> <p>I'm not particularly enjoying G's family's company at the moment though. Its not her extended family as such, they are actually quite good fun and I get on with them just great. Its her closer family. Her aunt (who has this inherent need to visit and stay with us as often as possible, normally fortnightly), close cousins (like a brother to her) and mother. They actually think I'm horrible. I'm just smothered by them and react accordingly. In fact, I can't bear them anymore and take no interest in them at all.</p> <p>G is a bit of a mess if I'm honest. I'm really beginning to wonder if I've overstayed my welcome in this marriage. Actually, I'm beginning to think (as my counsellor put it) that I may have outgrown this marriage. Sounds a bit self-involved but it does reflect my feelings quite accurately. G is still absolutely adamant that she's going to spend all her time doing her 'business'. There's not a lot of point in me being anti or negative about it because that just starts a game of cat-and-mouse with her persecuting me for lack-of-support and all manner of other things. To be honest, I couldn't really care less what she does with her time, money and emotions.</p> <p>I'm quietly watching what's happening in our life. Whether G can see it or not, big changes are afoot. Our youngest starts school this Autumn and I want to see what happens when G is at home all day on her own most of the time. We've also got a couple of family holidays lined up and I'd like to see how we can manage those also.</p> <p>This will make you laugh... we just had a nice weekend celebrating one of the kids birthday and yesterday we went to the beach. In typical aunty style she is staying with us pandering to the children's every whim for a few days (I'm actually really happy to be in work today because I can't take all the pandering nicey-nicey wierdness that emenates from her - you never know how she really feels and you can't really ever please her because she is so reluctant to express herself in any way at all, except when talking about something or someone that doesn't directly include her audience!). So it was a lovely hot day on the beech - the kids played in the sea and the sand and I sunbathed in the hot sun (lovely!). I'm not so sure Aunty liked it... she sat there in full long trousers and long sleeved top all day! Someone needs to relax and open up a bit methinks. Funny how they all think I'm the stress-head around here. I really couldn't care less anymore. No - really - I couldn't! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/08/24/its-been-so-long-6808110/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/08/24/its-been-so-long-6808110/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/not-a-good-weekend-at-all-6503074/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-07-13:/2009/07/13/not-a-good-weekend-at-all-6503074/Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:41:55 +0200 <p>Had a long weekend... Friday to Sunday. Started OK'ish I suppose. Had Aunty with us on Thursday Night, Friday and Saturday morning (joy). Weather was ok until Saturday when it rained constantly all day.</p> <p>G was pretty unbearable for much of the time. She has these things to make for her 'business' but didn't get much done. That coupled with some attitude and a lack of understanding that I was actually trying to help by looking after the kids and it was, all in all, pretty miserable. Aunty looked after the kids on Friday night and we went out for Mexican, except it was me being pretty upbeat and her crying into her chilli. I've been trying to stay in "adult" as recommended by my counsellor but its coming across to G as 'uncaring' and 'blunt'. I just want to get on with enjoying my life... she seems to want to make a victoria sandwich.</p> <p>Part of me feels really sorry for her. She's only doing what she thinks is best. Except its not best. She's not actually very suited to starting a business - she lacks business instinct and confidence. She rarely sells anything to people other than friends and family and she seems to do it for a warm fuzzy feeling that people give her as positive feedback, despite not making any money. She's starting to realise this and is becoming quite depressed at the realisation and has started to question herself. She talks about getting a job (and we could certainly do with the extra money) but then she is not quite sure what job she would ever want, or when she would do it.</p> <p>Yesterday was particularly awful. She wanted to make stuff for some event she has next weekend. I wanted to go out with the kids - it was sunny. I made it clear that I could go out all day if needed (in fact I offered to go out all weekend) but this was apparently too long. So I offered to take my phone and she could call me when she was finished. This was somehow not good enough either so a big row ensued. I really regret getting cross and emotional - I was really angry. It was like my whole Sunday was being ruined for absolutely no reason and I was just trying to be reasonable and go out! It didn't stop there, the row went on and on and I said some things I'm not proud of.</p> <p>I then took H to a birthday party and when I returned G was pretty miserable - she was cross with me, citing a couple of things I'd said and turning all the focus and attention on those. I tried to explain what I had meant but it was a losing battle so I gave up. I wanted to go to the beach and was taking the kids. I asked her (being reasonable) if she wanted to come instead of make her stuff and she did so we all went. She went on and on at me with this same argument. We walked along the promenade a little bit but it was far to windy so we retreated to the playpark. The kids played for 20 mins while G and I spoke. I was exasperated at this point.</p> <p>Now my counsellor suggested I chose a point in the future to do a reassessment of my life... to check if I wanted to continue with this marriage or not. I chose a date (in October, after a family holiday) and have not been particularly inclined to think about it until then. In a way, choosing a date some time out allows all the localised marital issues to be somewhat "smoothed", so that no one issue takes emotional precedence in any big decision making process. </p> <p>However, yesterday it all got a bit too much for me and I conceded that perhaps this was the time for me to break this marriage off. I have had these thoughts about getting divorced in the back of my mind for quite some time but I was putting them off until October. Yesterday I had really had enough. I said to G, in no uncertain terms, that I thought this was the end of the road for us.</p> <p>She was upset, started crying and we made our way back to the car. Somehow or other we got the kids some dinner and put them to bed before we could really chat and we talked until 1 o'clock in the morning. Not argued, but talked. G was very very upset. She kept thinking about things and bursting into tears. I was not upset. If I'm honest, I was a bit relieved. I think the difference between me and G is that G has just now found out that I do not necessarily want to be with her. I found this out last year when I caught her chatting to her ex-boyfriend on the internet. So she was much more upset than I was.</p> <p>She seemed to keep hoping I would change my mind but it would be shallow and wrong for me to just switch because she got upset. All night I continued to reinforce my decision, and it is the right thing to do. The practical realities will be hard, but in the long term it should all be good. We both worried about the children especially.</p> <p>I couldn't get to sleep. Everytime I turned over she started to cry again - I mean really loud whining crying. In the end I spoke to her about positive ways she could look at it. I reassured her that this doesn't have to be a quick split - we can take our time. We've got a lot of stuff to sort out - and the kids - so I think a quick split may be too damaging right now. This seemed to help a bit but I didn't want her to think that it was going to be all better - I needed to reinforce the decision in the end... so again she cried.</p> <p>The only way I could get any sleep was to suggest that we might both feel better in the morning. I think she thought I might change my mind in the morning, and if it helped us get some sleep that was ok, but I'm not inclined to change my view that, in the long term, we are probably better off apart. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/not-a-good-weekend-at-all-6503074/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/07/13/not-a-good-weekend-at-all-6503074/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/22/why-so-depressed-6362074/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-06-22:/2009/06/22/why-so-depressed-6362074/Mon, 22 Jun 2009 13:46:10 +0200 <p>I'm very very tired, had a tiring weekend and not really in the mood for being back at work. Does this explain my completely unbelievably depressed mood at the moment? I mean, I really cannot be arsed to do ANYTHING. I'm feeling very very low indeed... I know that just last week I was elated and somewhat ecstatic? What is the matter with me?</p> <p>I was talking about having over 25 years of working life left ahead of me and my colleague told me I should never count down the days. He said he's got through his 35 year working life without ever counting them down - instead he tries to enjoy every day, making each day count.</p> <p>I'm not really sure what "making each day count" actually means. When I've finished a day, how could I reasonably assess whether that day counted or not. What is "count"? Does it have to mean something to me? should I be proud of it? happy with it? Does it count if I'm not even drawn to think about it because it doesn't occur to me to do so...?</p> <p>Slightly weird predicament as I went for my lunchtime walk with my friend and colleague who is diagnosed terminally ill with cancer. So I have this person walking next to me who might not be alive in 12 months time and I'm complaining about being depressed. And with all her worries she still talks to me about it and it doesn't seem so weird.</p> <p>Perhaps, for me, making each day count is about getting stuff done. I'm wondering if I am depressed at the moment because I'm not getting anything done and I'm tired. I'd spend a whole day doing nothing, then work will pile up around me, then I'll get swamped in it and I'll get depressed. Perhaps I need to actually <strong>do</strong> the work then I wouldn't have that particular pressure on me. I seem to need micromanaging because if I can avoid working at any point I generally will. It's tough.</p> <p>Still seeing counsellor and she's excellent. We've been working really hard on my relationship with G. I've learned a whole lot about it, and I've also learned that I can adapt my behaviours to develop how I feel. E.g. I need to stop asking G "are you alright?" or "what's wrong?" or "what are you worrying about?" or "what are you thinking?"... these questions send messages to G on many levels... they tell G of how insecure I am, how I am paranoid in my worry about her, how I am scared that she is unhappy, how I worry about her leaving. In turn, G learns (either consciously or subconsciously) that she can get certain results by behaving in certain ways to prompt these questions or in response to these questions - a form of manipulation. </p> <p>It would be nice if I wasn't insecure, paranoid, worried or scared... and that has to be my objective... and in the meantime, to adapt my behaviour so that I do not exhibit these emotions (even when I have them) will act as a precursor to actually breaking the cycle. G can't manipulate me, I won't express the emotions, and the hope is that in time the emotions will actually change, I will become more confident and less worried and G will be less able to manipulate me.</p> <p>This is not to say that I should always hide my emotions, just that I need to break this particular cycle and this is one way of doing it. It's been really really tough though. The number of times I've asked (or wanted to ask) G one of those questions and had to stop myself or remind myself over the last week is interesting to me.</p> <p>Well, here I am, trying to make each day count. I'm seeing my best friend and another old friend from college for a drink tonight. That will be nice. The day will count in that way. Won't have got much work done though, so not in that way...</p> <p>I'm thinking I need a good rest and then I should really try to get my "house" in order - sort out my work and get some structure and routine. I might take tomorrow as vacation... kids in school, C in preschool.... no meetings in my diary... no urgent deadlines to meet.... I'll do it! Why the hell not?!</p> <p>And I won't ask G, or mention it to her (She'll be working all day). I'll just do it and tell her I'm doing it. Good for me! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/22/why-so-depressed-6362074/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/22/why-so-depressed-6362074/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/16/much-improvement-6316451/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-06-16:/2009/06/16/much-improvement-6316451/Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:45:22 +0200 <p>Relationship with G has improved markedly over the last week. In analysing it, I can see that the improvements stem from efforts on both sides.</p> <p>It transpires G had approached a divorce lawyer and made an appointment. She cancelled the appointment at the eleventh hour, but things were serious. She says she found the whole thing 'too scary'. I too was pretty down about it all.</p> <p>My counsellor has taught me that I may be somewhat victimised by G. I'm growing beyond that view somewhat in seeing how both G and I have contributed to the situation in which we find ourselves and we both need to fix it. G has shown great thoughtfulness and demonstrated a real effort with me in the last week - buying me nice things, thinking about me and talking to me. We have been kind to each other. I so much want to do the same too.</p> <p>Today we lunched together, with G coming to my place of work and we had a full 1 hour at the local pub. It was really nice. We talked, mainly about G's new business venture, and it was nice as we enjoyed ourselves. We will do it again.</p> <p>I bought new clothes to match my 3-stone-lighter new body. I was looking a bit silly in massively oversized trousers and shirts at work. It didn't come in cheap though... and it also cost me in self-imposed guilt as I know G also needs new clothes. I'm not exactly flush with cash but I think I should treat her somewhat soon... perhaps a nice shopping trip together or somesuch.</p> <p>The kids were becoming a bit of a nightmare last week - very attention seeking and unhelpful (often agressive) behaviour. We've implemented a new approach which G and I formulated together late one evening after a particularly tricky day. The approach focuses the minds of the kids and rewards them positively for good and helpful behaviour. They lose perks for unhelpful behaviour and good behaviour builds towards fulfilling their own individual wishes. It's been working really well for the last few days. It seems vital for the kids that they have some sort of appraisal of the good things they have done and their achievements near the end of the day so we do a 'summing up' at dinner time with handing out of rewards. It all works well and I think it is a reasonable introduction to some of the ways-of-the-world. Their behaviour has certainly improved.</p> <p>I'm even starting to think that the kid's behaviour might be contributing to the relationship troubles between G and I. We rarely have time to think or do things for ourselves and the kids can add to the stresses and strains of life considerably.</p> <p>Planning to take R canoeing again this weekend - hope I still have the confidence to just 'jump in feet first'!</p> <p>We've booked a holiday to Disneyland for the Autumn, so something to look forward to, and we're going up-north for a few days at the end of July. Will also visit the lake again for a weekend in early July and fully intend (finances willing) to take a one week center parcs break at Christmas... should be an OK year.</p> <p>New car arrives in a matter of weeks... hopefully its a bit delayed (to give me a bit of extra time to find some spare cash!) but knowing my luck it will be timely. I'm thinking of buying the old car off the leasing company... it'll mean a personal loan but I think it's a good price and its only 2 years old... certainly a better investment than our existing 7-year old car that is probably on its way out...</p> <p>Memories: H wanting to do his 'five minute box' every night, like a good conscientious boy. We worry about his reading skills and schoolwork generally, but he's a bright boy and I have every faith he will get it in his own time. We don't want to push or apply pressure - we think that would be counterproductive. He is still a completely absorbing and hugely affectionate child who I can't resist cuddling and kissing all day long!</p> <p>Memories: R is having real trouble with her bladder problems. Really worried about her now. Seeing consultant on Weds. She's such a clever little bean - really good at sport, music and academic work. She's struggling with the demands placed on her in all these areas as they start to require increasing amounts of dedication and commitment, regular practice, higher levels of achievement and higher expectations. It's tough watching your child see an enjoyable activity turn into a whole lot of hard work. She seems to have an inner dialogue that tells her it is all worthwhile and drives her on, but I can see why many children would give up!</p> <p>Memories: C doesn't seem to like preschool any more. Only 4 more weeks before she leaves though... (then big school!). She is gorgeous, the way she looks into my eyes when she's asking a question, with bated breath holding onto my every word then applying her own excellent form of logic to rationalise answers for herself or reinforce my answer... those big brown eyes and that curly blond hair.</p> <p>They're all gorgeous. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/16/much-improvement-6316451/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/16/much-improvement-6316451/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/08/grabbing-the-bull-by-the-horns-6261231/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-06-08:/2009/06/08/grabbing-the-bull-by-the-horns-6261231/Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:07:37 +0200 <p>Strange changes are taking place in my life. So I've been seeing this counsellor (seen her twice now) and she is really good but it is not straightforward. She's really challenging my perceptions of things and my understanding of my life and my relationship with G.</p> <p>This can only be good and healthy but it is uncomfortable and tricky.</p> <p>I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bit oppressed. My behaviour and what I do are, to some extent, dictated by G. She has these quite effective but quite unhealthy ways of manipulating me that I hadn't really realised before. For example, I take too much interest in what she is thinking, all in an effort to make her happy (although she sometimes finds this in itself irritating!). If she looks or behave unhappy I will wonder why and try to fix it. G seems to have latched onto this process and is taking advantage of it (whether consciously or subconsciously). For example, if she doesn't want me to do something she will express her unhappiness in other ways (such as about other things) but it is quite overt really what she is unhappy about, and I then feel compelled to make her happy by adapting my behaviour. Complicated really, but I can see it happening in real life.</p> <p>I'm wondering if I need to stop trying to make her happy. She is responsible for her own happiness. If I happen to contribute to her happiness by being myself then that's all well and good. If not, its unfortunate. But either way, at least I don't have to constantly strive to address her wellbeing so proactively.</p> <p>You can see that this is a slow and progressive process that may result in G and I going our own separate ways. Part of me thinks that if only G knew what was going on she might actually try to work with me in sorting this out. Instead she is ignorant of it. She is quite adamant that she is not responsible for her unhappiness. </p> <p>A case in point: she spends all her time trying to start her business which involves doing something she supposedly enjoys (but which, like everything, when taken to excess becomes thoroughly unenjoyable!). It has so far been unsuccessful as a business but effective as a hobby I suppose (though G would hate me saying that). I have realised that I need some hobbies - some outlets for my own personal passions and ambitions. I hooked on two: canoeing and music. My eldest R also fancied canoeing so I took her to a local canoe club and we spend a few hours learning the basics having a really good time. When I went home there was an atmosphere - G was clearly unhappy. I enquired as to why and she projected her unhappiness onto other things, like the amount of work she had been doing cleaning the house or something else. When I scratched a bit deeper with the issue she was thoroughly pissed off that I could spend a few hours out in a boat with R when she could do nothing. She also got quite cross that I had suggested that she chose to pursue her business as her interest, claiming that this is instead a business for making money not a hobby. The fact of the matter is that her various "businesses" have collectively cost me a couple of thousand pounds over the last 2 years and have made no money to speak of. So, whether consciously or not, she ruined my day. She spoiled the activity of canoeing with my eldest R leaving me with a deep and lasting guilt when doing anything like that again. She did the same with the music, though she wouldn't agree with my assessment. I told her I was going to get lessons. She asked if we can afford it. We can't really. I admitted we can't really. She got hissy about how she can't spend money so why should I. Perhaps I shouldn't. She would say she's just pointing out the obvious. I feel like I can't pursue that interest either. Don't get me wrong - when she has an interest she wants to pursue we would look at ways we could do it, both in terms of the time and money required (e.g. her businesses - case in point). </p> <p>I know, deep down, that I should be carrying on with my life how I want in as reasonable a way as I can. I don't think canoeing with R once in a while is unreasonable (its certainly not expensive at all - almost free!). Music lessons are also not unreasonable if I can find the time and money somehow. I think the challenge (or the 'test') for our marriage is whether G can overcome her resentments and work with me instead of against me.</p> <p>There she is now, phoning me at work. She's telling me how happy some woman was because she'd made some things for her (as part of her business). In fairness, she did make some money on this one product (all spent now I think!) and it may be the first of many. I found myself shuddering when I saw her call on the phone. I think I'm beginning to dislike her. I acted busy and gave my apologies, saying goodbye.</p> <p>Memories: R on the water for the first time... she picked up canoeing extremely quickly, managing forwards, backwards and winning a game in the water! Very very proud of her. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/08/grabbing-the-bull-by-the-horns-6261231/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/06/08/grabbing-the-bull-by-the-horns-6261231/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/21/mental-note-don-t-be-scared-to-ask-for-help-6151336/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-05-21:/2009/05/21/mental-note-don-t-be-scared-to-ask-for-help-6151336/Thu, 21 May 2009 10:38:29 +0200 <p>So on Tuesday, following a rough couple of arguments with my wife, I got so low that I called the 'counselling hotline' and was referred for some face to face sessions with a counsellor. Yesterday I had my first such session and what a revelation! I was told to expect feelings of elation and ecstasy after a first session - and that these feelings would not last - but I came away feeling really positive that I had actually made a move that might ultimately change my life.</p> <p>Of course it will be a slow process, and nobody can promise that it will work, but coupled with my new-found motivation for healthy eating & exercise and my recent 3 stone weight loss (I'm now down to just under 13 stone from a near 16-stone peak) I think these sessions will round off a new-me.</p> <p>The counsellor is absolutely fantastic. Non-judgemental and easy to talk to. One thing she said which really hit a chord with me is that I am an artist, and a seemingly repressed one at that. I've always loved music and poetry and I have not pursued these passions at all. This was a big eye-opener. It never really occurred to me that such personal passions make such a difference to mental health, but on reflection I think she is absolutely right.</p> <p>Anyway, the diet, exercise and counselling continues! Lets see how things flourish.</p> <p>P.S. I just noticed (1 month too late, by the way, because I'm editing this on 16th June 2009!) that this post marks a 4 year (and 2 day!) anniversary of my blog! Woopee! 4 years of blogging! It doesn't seem like that long....... I notice the same old issues go round and round in this blog. how predictable am I?! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/21/mental-note-don-t-be-scared-to-ask-for-help-6151336/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/21/mental-note-don-t-be-scared-to-ask-for-help-6151336/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/emotional-wreck-6141842/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-05-19:/2009/05/19/emotional-wreck-6141842/Tue, 19 May 2009 14:39:23 +0200 <p>well, I had the call-back (the moment I pressed the save button on the blog actually) and they've scheduled me in for some face-to-face sessions with a local counsellor. My first appointment is tomorrow evening (!!) </p> <p>It's going to be hard. G was very interested to hear what I talked about with the phone counsellor and I tried to remember the conversation but it was all a bit vague. I guess I felt a little bit of a fraud - because I'm so good at hiding my problems I have also become quite good at hiding them from myself! Sometimes I really wonder what all the fuss is about... am I really troubled at all? Maybe its just that I'm not nice to G. Maybe I've just bred a whole load of resentment and contempt for G. </p> <p>It would be very odd if I got the the counsellor and realised I was actually in quite a good mood, in high spirits, and didn't really want to dwell on loads of depressing or miserable things... I don't know...</p> <p>Anyway, I'll be at the appointment tomorrow evening and I'll let you know how I get on.</p> <p>Thanks for the comments by the way - nice to know someone is listening to this stuff </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/emotional-wreck-6141842/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>counsellinghealthdepressionlifesadnesshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/emotional-wreck-6141842/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/emotional-wreck-6141035/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-05-19:/2009/05/19/emotional-wreck-6141035/Tue, 19 May 2009 12:00:42 +0200 <p>had a bloody awful couple of days. Massive arguments Sunday night with G, and again yesterday, fueled by the presence of her mother who came to stay last night. I've just been plain horrible to G.</p> <p>Today I called her and she's pretty low. She wants me to go away for a bit. Very depressing. Its funny how the shock of being told my marriage may be over sent me into an anxious panicked state - kind of like desperation - like I knew I had gone too far and needed to recover something.</p> <p>Then G started telling me all the things I already knew, like about my personal anxiety problems (being exhibited in that very conversation!) and my inability to make friends, communicate effectively about feelings and emotions, my low self esteem and insecurities - especially since that whole incident with her ex boyfriend last year.</p> <p>I can see that I certainly have issues. She spelled them out so well and I could really see them in the light of day. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry - was I happy that I saw myself and my issues, or sad that I had to admit I have issues. We both agreed I need help. My marriage is at stake.</p> <p>It seems to stem a lot from my childhood - not being allowed to talk about feelings, not being allowed to show insecurities, not being allowed to be sad or having failed in something. G asked me if I could go to my mother and tell her I was a failure - I said I couldn't. She was right.</p> <p>So I've called a counsellor provided by my employer. They're going to phone back any second. Part of me thinks I need to get my head straight before I talk to them but another part of me thinks its probably best to just talk with a messy head - more honest, more accurate. I need face-to-face counselling I think. I have always known I have issues, just never had the guts to do anything about them. </p> <p>Part of me feels good (if a bit apprehensive) that I've made the call. Part of me feels like this is another "new-me" thing going on - like I've lost the weight, I'm fitter than ever, and now I'm going right to the core of the problem.</p> <p>I'm also worried that it may not save my marriage. I love G so much and I want to be with her but I need to act with integrity. If she doesn't want me I can't change that. She said she'll support me through anything I want to do to improve things for myself. I noted how different that is to saying I will stay with you. </p> <p>I've got real issues now. They will all be aired. I'll have to tackle them all head on. I'm scared, nervous and a bit embarrassed. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it. I just keep typing here so that I fill the time before the callback comes. I just need to keep typing, keep "in the zone". Its all to easy for me to brush these feelings under the carpet and forget how it all is... like pretending there aren't any issues... just like when I was a kid.</p> <p>If I keep typing, writing about how I feel, I cannot leave the zone. I can stay in touch with myself. I can remind myself that its not all right, its not ignorable. My wellbeing, happiness and that of my family depend on me fixing this. I do hope it works.</p> <p>I love my kids so much. I love G so much. I don't want to lose them. That's all I know. You know, it was really hard to phone the counselling people. Really hard. I nearly cried when I spoke to them. Its like finally admitting I've got issues and need help. Yet at the same time its a bit liberating, a little bit of ecstasy or elation creeps into how I'm feeling.</p> <p>It doesn't help that I've made this call at work. Not the best place to be sat in an office talking about yourself down the phone to a counsellor. I better not get interrupted or I might just burst into tears... see - afraid to express my emotions. not feeling entitled to them. strange.</p> <p>Well.. I'll just sit here and re-read this until the call comes. Wish me luck. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/emotional-wreck-6141035/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/19/emotional-wreck-6141035/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/12/further-to-my-last-post-6103493/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-05-12:/2009/05/12/further-to-my-last-post-6103493/Tue, 12 May 2009 16:59:04 +0200 <p>My call was actually bloody fantastic and I'm quite glad I had it now.</p> <p>Post-call elation???... </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/12/further-to-my-last-post-6103493/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/12/further-to-my-last-post-6103493/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/12/another-one-of-those-bloody-calls-6102502/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-05-12:/2009/05/12/another-one-of-those-bloody-calls-6102502/Tue, 12 May 2009 13:55:12 +0200 <p>You may remember in January I wrote something like this:</p> <p><em>Every few months I have this call with a colleague from abroad... its a 'mentoring' call. all-in-all they are pretty useful, but before each one I get all bent out of shape because I don't want to do the call and I'm afraid I'll have nothing to talk about! I mean - a whole hour of having nothing to talk about. Scary. Anyway, one is about to start in 3 minutes, so I'm writing here quickly to record this sentiment... I'm feeling a bit nervous ('cos this guy is a senior guy in this company) and I am planning to play the call by ear... no (or very little) prep... just, hopefully, 1 or 2 topics of conversation to raise when the call goes quiet... scary. Well - I'm no doubt reading this after the event and laughing! Until next time, that is ;-)</em></p> <p>Well.... guess what! The "next time" is here! Yes, I've got another call in about 5 minutes with this guy and I need to think about things to say. I've got a little shortlist of stuff I could talk about (if the call were to go quiet) written on a post-it note in front of me, but I do get butterflies with these calls... I'm not sure why though. </p> <p>In other news, I'm now down to exactly 13 stone AND my BMI is within the "ideal weight" range! This is fantastic news for me, and the first time I've been at an ideal weight for about 15 years!</p> <p>I just ordered some whey protein to build up some muscle - I've been pushing weight for about a month now but I've not been consuming much protein (G is a vegetarian so protein can be hard to come by!). I figure I should take 3 or 4 protein shakes every day to get things moving a bit. Wanna see some big arms!</p> <p>Memories: C saying "I nearly crydid then!" when going down the log flume! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/12/another-one-of-those-bloody-calls-6102502/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/05/12/another-one-of-those-bloody-calls-6102502/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/04/19/weighing-in-less-every-week-5970556/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-04-19:/2009/04/19/weighing-in-less-every-week-5970556/Sun, 19 Apr 2009 15:36:57 +0200 <p>Diet and exercise are going very well indeed! Bought "My Fitness Coach" for the Wii and have put it into practice 4 times in the last week, along with a 30min bout of Davina McCall's fitness DVD. This week I've seen a massive weight loss of 4lbs! And that's despite some sneaky easter-eggs too!</p> <p>I've also been pushing weights, although not eating protein because I don't want to upset the delicate balance that is my diet right now. I've measured my upper arms at 13.5inches (with elbow bend towards chest and no tension on the arm). I'm going to monitor this over the next few months, especially when I start with the protein.</p> <p>So, I'm currently weighing in at 13stone 6ish (I'd rather think of it as 13 and a half stone just to take error out of the equation). With a current target of 12 and a half stone, I'm hoping then to bulk up a bit. If I've still got this flabby belly at 12 and a half stone, I guess I'll just press on to 12 stone before bulking up, and possibly lower!</p> <p>One thing that occurs to me - if I can lose another few pounds, I'll actually be at a BMI that isn't "overweight"!!! How exciting will that be!?!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/04/19/weighing-in-less-every-week-5970556/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/04/19/weighing-in-less-every-week-5970556/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/04/06/wow-5898151/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-04-06:/2009/04/06/wow-5898151/Mon, 06 Apr 2009 10:18:33 +0200 <p>Why Wow? Because I am proud of myself and I'm not ashamed to say it <img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>I have weighed in today at 13stone 12lbs! That's below 14stone for the first time in probably over a decade (possibly since I was a teenager!). That's why I'm proud!</p> <p>I went to see my parents and brother this weekend - they noticed it too. I'm still at a BMI of 26.3 and so still officially overweight, but I'm bloody pleased to be able to look in the mirror and consider myself a reasonable size, almost thin (in perspective with 2008 anyway!)!</p> <p>My parents and G don't want me to lose any more. I'm going to pursue another 12lbs to take my BMI out of the "overweight" range and then I'll start weight lifting properly with protein shakes to build muscle mass. I don't mind being 13 and a half stone if it includes at least half a stone of muscle. In fact, I don't mind being 14 stone if there's a stone of muscle in there.</p> <p>Building muscle will be fun - there's no point being slimmer if I look like Mr Muscle of the TV adverts. I need bigger arms, tight pecs and strong back and legs (I'm not sure a six-pack is possible unless I reduce my body fat percentage to something ludicrously low).</p> <p>Anyway, I'm pleased, things are on the up, and everyone's generally happy! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/04/06/wow-5898151/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/04/06/wow-5898151/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/31/still-at-it-5864347/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-03-31:/2009/03/31/still-at-it-5864347/Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:12:15 +0200 <p>Yes - STILL working out at 6am... especially difficult now the clocks have gone forward an hour - its like working out at 5am...!</p> <p>Got my free weights bench and weights out this weekend. Reading a bit about it I think its probably wise to let my body fat percentage drop substantially before I really start pumping the iron. Especially because I'll be wanting to take extra protein when I'm lifting routinely, and at the moment I can't afford extra calories and my eating regime is quite effective.</p> <p>I looked at the Wii Fit records of my weight loss on Sunday - I started off in early January at 15stone 7lbs before jumping up about 3lbs followed by a rapid drop to 15stone. From 15stone to 14stone has been a completely straight line rate of weight-loss. If I can keep that up I should be able to reach 13stone by June. Still weighing in at 14stone this weekend but I think I confuse myself by using both the Wii Fit and the analogue scales. Right now they're both showing 14stone so all is well. Hoping to dip 1 or 2lbs by this weekend.</p> <p>Ordered the new car - that's exciting. Can't really get motivated at work at the moment but boy do I need to.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/31/still-at-it-5864347/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/31/still-at-it-5864347/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/20/celebrating-quietly-today-the-fact-that-i-m-half-way-5795978/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-03-20:/2009/03/20/celebrating-quietly-today-the-fact-that-i-m-half-way-5795978/Fri, 20 Mar 2009 16:47:42 +0100 <p>Celebrating (quietly) today the fact that I'm half way towards my weight loss goal. I've lost 21lbs and I have 21lbs to go. That's one and a half stone lost! Better still, that puts me within one and a half stone of my target weight of 12stone 7lbs! How exciting is that!</p> <p>This summer could be really good if I can actually wear cool clothes (or fewer clothes!) to feel comfortable in the heat <em>without</em> worrying about my pot-belly appearance! Yipeee!</p> <p>PS - we went for the citroen grand picasso with a 2.0 Diesel engine instead of the DVD players.. I think constant DVD entertainment just serves to erode what little attention span my kids have left anyway, so not a great loss, and the bigger engine will serve us well for the next 4 years. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/20/celebrating-quietly-today-the-fact-that-i-m-half-way-5795978/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/20/celebrating-quietly-today-the-fact-that-i-m-half-way-5795978/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/18/very-distracted-5780674/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-03-18:/2009/03/18/very-distracted-5780674/Wed, 18 Mar 2009 12:29:06 +0100 <p>Car-choosing is distracting me terribly at the moment... Citroen C4 Grand Picasso versus Seat Alhambra. I test drove the Seat this week and it was lovely... very smooth and powerful 2.0D engine and massive amounts of internal space. Haven't been able to test drive the citroen (they wont get back to me despite chasing) so I can't compare the drive, but I notice at the dealer that the internal space was quite a bit smaller.</p> <p>G really wants the citroen but could be swayed to the seat (she's given up caring I think). The seat has fewer mod-cons. The citroen would even have DVD players in the back and a panoramic glass roof! Problem is, the citroen is only a 1.6D engine - apparently quite nippy but can't be anywhere near as good as the 2.0D seat...</p> <p>anyway, I just wanted to record my dilemma so that I could laugh at myself one day when the decision is made and reassure myself that it was the right (or wrong!) decision. crazy eh?! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/18/very-distracted-5780674/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/18/very-distracted-5780674/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/11/longest-period-of-self-control-yet-5737080/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-03-11:/2009/03/11/longest-period-of-self-control-yet-5737080/Wed, 11 Mar 2009 15:21:16 +0100 <p>Yes, you read right! I've actually made it to 2-months of healthy eating and exercise! Unbelievable isn't it! My weight has stooped to 14stone 3lbs. I exercise at least 4 times a week in the mornings before breakfast and I've started walking at lunchtimes with my friend at work. We do that 2-3 times a week, and its brisk, including an uphill stint! I've been digressing a bit from my healthy eating (I had a cadbury's dairy milk last night!) but all-in-all I've cut out most daytime snacks and just have something healthy in the evening (preferably fresh cherries but they've all gone from the supermarket shelves.. roll on strawberry season!).</p> <p>I think its a bit much to expect me to get to a goal weight of 12st 7lbs by end of May, but below 13stone by then would be fantastic! Wow, to think... only one stone 3 lbs to lose before I'm 13stone. Easier said than done though.</p> <p>I've been getting the munchies in the evenings and its left me a bit disillusioned but I'm sticking to the regime. Actually writing about it makes me realise how well I've done and how committed I should remain. It is a bit depressing not having loads of cake and sweets, but its not forever. I will still enjoy a treat when I'm in weight-maintenance (not gaining or losing) just not gorge out like I used to.</p> <p>I'm starting to like the way my body looks a bit more, although I still see an oversized tummy and love-handles. My clothes are also looser, belts are on their innermost hole, and my shirts and tops are baggy. I wore a tight fitting shirt at the weekend and it felt great. Still caught a glimpse of my belly in the mirror though so I am still committed to losing that.</p> <p>I've just calculated that today is exactly half way between my start day and my target date!!! Shame I've not lost half of the weight I wanted to lose (I've lost 18lbs and need to lose another 24lbs, so just 3lbs behind schedule!) but still its so encouraging that I'm on track and I only have to do the same amount of time again!!!</p> <p>I know, though, that I'm bound to plateau and that will throw me off completely, but like I said - as long as I lose another 17lbs before the end of may to get me down to 13stone I will be well-pleased!</p> <p>In other news, its time to order a new car - yipeee! Always an exciting time. We're going for a 7-seater this time and the Seat Alhambra Ecomotive features highly along with the new Citroen C4 Grand Picasso. The Seat has bigger and more comfortable inter space by the Citroen has a much higher spec with lots of lovely additional features. Not sure what we should do - really spacious for our large family, or really high-spec. I guess its just a car at the end of the day - as long as there is enough space, why do you need excess? I'm just trying to convince myself to get the Citroen because I want a semi-automatic transmission with fancy little air-con controls all around the car (even the kids have them in the back!)... I wouldn't say it was an impressive-looking car though. G wants a car with a sliding door to make it easier to get in and out, and she really likes the Mazda 5 but that's really only a 6 seater. The middle seat in the second row is tiny and hard! no child car-seat would fit there.</p> <p>In yet other news, really worried about my eldest - R - at the moment. She's got lots of urinary problems that she's being treated for (frequent infections, overactive bladder leading to incontinence) and lately she's been having irregular heart-beats and heart palpitations. Scary - she's such a healthy and good little thing... she exercises a huge amount and is an excellent healthy-eater. We just hope we get through all this and she recovers her health.. poor bean.</p> <p>We're worried too a little bit about H, who at 5 and a half years shows no signs of reading proficiently at all. They have him on the highest level of special-needs support in school and we met his teacher yesterday who was calming but also highlighted the extent to which he is falling behind. We're trying to support him as best we can but its tough. Really tough. He just seems to lack confidence and the will or attention-span to actually sit down and focus to learn. Frankly, I think it is an outrage that he should be dragged through a school system demanding such high expectations of such a young child - if he were born 10 days later he would be in a lower school year. There should be special-case arrangements for children like him allowing him to join the year below where he would be at least average in his academic abilities. I feel inclined to write a letter of complaint to the school, the education authority and the government. I think I will.</p> <p>Youngest baby-C, however, is just lovely and never ceases to amaze me how she can carry on, cheerfully and smiling, despite all that is going on around her. Still determined and forceful, and thankfully so.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/11/longest-period-of-self-control-yet-5737080/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/03/11/longest-period-of-self-control-yet-5737080/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/24/very-depressed-5641039/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-02-24:/2009/02/24/very-depressed-5641039/Tue, 24 Feb 2009 14:20:32 +0100 <p>Its funny how sometimes I just feel completely and utterly miserable... like I just don't want to go on doing the same things, in the same monotonous life. Today is one of those days. I got into work after a long weekend with the family - we had a fab time, visited Cadbury world, saw a movie a the Birmingham Imax, enjoyed a night in a cheap hotel. Then today its back to the real-world. My manager scheduled a 90 minute meeting to tell us how crap we all are. Then a brief meeting to recognise someone who has just attained 25 years of service with the company by presenting them with a rather understated certificate, an alarm clock and some gift vouchers (yawn). On top of all this I've been inundated with simply massive quantities of work.</p> <p>Trouble is, what motivation is there to carry on doing it? If I'm crap at it and all I'd get in the end is a certificate and alarm clock - what is the bloody point?</p> <p>A close friend at work confided in me last week that she has only got months (or max a year or two) to live. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 and it seems it has metastasized. That really puts a few things into perspective doesn't it.</p> <p>And I can't help but feel like we're on the verge of some sort of apocalypse with the world going completely tits-up. I mean, we have all been building our lifestyles on the unethical abuses of the developing world, with slave / child / cheap labour in developing countries serving our every need. That labour isn't as cheap anymore, yet we cannot all afford the true cost. We'll all lose our lifestyles and equalise on a median lifestyle world-wide.</p> <p>In any event, I don't want to spend the next 10 years doing this just to get a certificate and an alarm clock, only to have another 20 years to work to do before I can even conceive of resting.</p> <p>I give up.</p> <p>On another topic, I'm still exercising and avoiding those nasty fatty/sugary snacks. Lost a bit of weight (down to 14 stone 6lbs now). Had some deviation at Cadbury world yesterday, but back on track now. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/24/very-depressed-5641039/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/24/very-depressed-5641039/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/11/still-going-5553849/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-02-11:/2009/02/11/still-going-5553849/Wed, 11 Feb 2009 18:09:20 +0100 <p>I'm still exercising and now eating pretty healthily all the time... I have a consistent (and really quite enjoyable) breakfast, a standardised lunch and a proper dinner. I'm even managing to enjoy some low-fat yogurts, low-calorie drinks and desserts. </p> <p>I've got my weight down to about 14stone 9lbs (considering I was once complaining of being 16stone!) and plan to carry on until the end of May. Hopefully I can get down to 12st 7lbs by then.</p> <p>It is a bit of a struggle - it would be nice to just eat a great big huge load of crap sometimes! but I just keep reminding myself why I'm doing this, the positive effects it will have on me and those around me, and the fact that if I were to overeat massively food, deserts, chocolates, cakes and sweets I would have a pretty unhealthy relationship with food.</p> <p>Take tonight, for example. H has a friend home for tea so I'll be eating separately today. I could so easily bugger off for a McDonalds or get some extremely unhealthy evening snacks from Tesco, but no. I plan to pop into Tesco to buy a vegetarian cottage pie (I had one last week, it was low-fat, low-cal and yummy!) and possibly a couple of wholemeal rolls to have with it. Combined with a low-cal drink and a yogurt, I should be set!</p> <p>Its the exercise I'm most proud of. The plan of getting up at 6 works on so many levels. Firstly I get 40-60 minutes of exercise in, and secondly it causes me to be ultra-organised in the morning. I can get the kids dressed for school, prepare everyone's breakfast, and eat a healthy breakfast myself too! It really works. It also affords G a shower and some morning refresh-time! Its good all round.</p> <p>My typical diet is this:</p> <p>Breakfast: porridge (ready brek) with a smidging of maple syrup; a Muller Lite yogurt; a glass of low-cal blueberry and cranberry juice drink, very occassionally some fruit (banana/strawberries...)</p> <p>Lunch: packed lunch consisting of a tuna/onion/low-fat mayo sandwich (2 slices of white bread); a packet of Walker's "baked" crisps (less than 100cal); a jelly or rice-pudding (150cals max) and a piece of fruit (usually an Orange). </p> <p>Dinner: a full meal prepared by G, often with a dessert, but I do only have one modest portion of dessert if any at all. </p> <p>Snack: only in the evening, usually only a low-cal drink, fruit and a Muller Lite yogurt. Sometimes some other low-fat snack, but rarely (last week I had "Go Ahead" bars... shouldn't really).</p> <p>Memories for the future: C was very poorly this week, had a temperature. She wouldn't take the medicine because it wasn't pink! I pretended it was and she protested. In the end she concluded "I really like that one!"! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/11/still-going-5553849/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/11/still-going-5553849/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/03/surprise-5498953/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-02-03:/2009/02/03/surprise-5498953/Tue, 03 Feb 2009 14:10:35 +0100 <p>You may be surprised to hear that I am STILL exercising about 5 times a week, and I am also STILL eating relatively healthily. I have stuck to getting up at 6am on Mon, Tue, Thur and Fri, with some exercise on Sunday if I get a chance. Food-wise, most notably I have not given up eating nice treats! G makes lovely deserts most days and I still eat them with the family (although not huge portions and no seconds!). I have replaced my favourite yogurts with Muller Light and its delicious (especially the Cherry, Rhubarb and Blueberry flavours), and I have taken to drinking low-cal Asda drinks - mainly Cloudy Lemonade in a can and blueberry and cranberry juice drink. Its really nice stuff. Also, I still have breakfast every day - quite hearty too - some porridge with maple syrup, a yogurt and a drink. Occasionally a piece of fruit too. For lunch I prepare sandwiches with the kids lunchboxes and I take two pieces of fruit, some baked crisps (Walkers) and a desert - usually a fruit jelly, a rice pudding or a flavoured pot of custard. Its nice! Then I have a full-blown family dinner.</p> <p>Its working out ok. I do get a bit hungry around 3-4pm and also in the evening - so I will have a yogurt and some fruit in the evening. However, getting up at 6am means I'm usually in bed at around 9:30 which cuts the opportunity for late night snacking.</p> <p>When I wrote my previous post on January 15th I weighed 15 stone 7lbs. Looking back through mu blog I was up to 16 stone a year or two ago, and I'm sure that before Christmas (when I had my toothache) I must have been a little under 16 stone. A week ago I weighed myself at 15 stone 2lbs- I lost 5 lbs! yay! I'm going to weigh myself now as well to see how I'm doing...</p> <p>well... I weighed myself (using the Wii Fit which seems to be the most accurate way) and I've lost another 3 lbs! I'm now 14stone 13lbs! Excellent!</p> <p>Its funny but I don't remember being at a sustainable weight below 15 stone before (since I gained weight massively, of course). And to think it came about while eating... thats the good thing. I'm not starving myself. The funny thing about weight loss is that it becomes a bit self-fulfilling. I started in the new year just because I wanted to be healthier and now I actually get a buzz from lowing weight, so I tend to avoid fatty snacky foods wheras before I would indulge myself. Also, my previous attempts at losing weight failed because I starved myself silly and gorged out when I got low. This is a much more sustainable way to get healthier, both fitness-wise and weight-wise.</p> <p>G is a bit pissed because she's been exercising with me but hasn't lost any weight. She's a bit demoralised but I try to encourage her. She seems to eat more snacks than I do (and she has milky coffee). Today she didn't even get up to exercise with me, which is a first.</p> <p>Anyway, its being snowing hard for the last 2 days - I'm working at home today (a luxury in this job!) and yesterday I only got into work at 10:30, staying only for a few hours. Its been the heaviest snow for years, apparently. Its all turning to slush now, as the sun warms us all up a bit.</p> <p>Oh well, lets see how long this fitness craze lasts. I would like to think I can get down to 12 and a half stone. That would put me in the right sort of weight-range to be healthy (right now I'm at the top end of overweight!).</p> <p>memories: C saying "umun-I dad?" instead of "aren't I dad?"!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/03/surprise-5498953/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/02/03/surprise-5498953/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/15/appraising-another-year-5382116/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-01-15:/2009/01/15/appraising-another-year-5382116/Thu, 15 Jan 2009 14:58:25 +0100 <p>My appraisal went well, albeit starting slightly late. Another good year it seems - just a shame its not reflected as a whopping big payrise or similar! oh well...</p> <p>I've been getting up early every day this week (and two days last week) to do fitness DVDs with G. Its been fun, although as this week has progressed I have got more and more tired, and this morning it has to be said I was a little ratty. Its good for my fitness (I'm not really focusing on losing weight or anything). In a sense, I just want more stamina (wink!).</p> <p>Saying that, I have been cutting down on junk food lately (although I did have a whopping McDonald's meal last night to celebrate my appraisal). I have not had full-fat coke for ages - probably before Christmas when my tooth started playing up. I have definitely cut down on snacks, chocolates, sweets and cakes etc. I've also taken to eating a breakfast in the mornings before going to work in an attempt to control my blood sugar a bit better - no doubt that is a healthy move. I do struggle between lunch and dinner though. Dinner is usually a hearty affair - something nice G prepares through the day - and often followed by a desert. Also, I struggle a bit at night when I am always tempted by yogurts, crisps and sweets.</p> <p>I have discovered I can manage quite happily on some low-fat products. Asda do a really nice low-calorie cloudy lemonade that I really like (I resorted to their Bitter Lemon for a while before realising quite how bitter it was!). I've also discovered Muller Light yogurts that don't seem to have an aftertaste anymore (I'm sure I tried them once before and they tasted foul!). Now the Muller Light yogurts come in scrummy chocolate flavours too! mmmmmmmmm! Add to that a healthy lunch (no Coke and no puddings) and some exercise most days of the week and I'm hoping I'm doing good things for my general health. I feel good, if a bit tired!</p> <p>I really do love G you know. I've come to realise how much I take her for granted, and just how lovely she really really is. We celebrated her birthday recently and we had such a lovely time - I took her out for lunch - I think she really enjoyed it. Sometimes she seems to get a bit bored of me and starts to be a bit contemptuous of me (although I know I can be a bit annoying). It saddens me really because its like a chink in the relationship. I, on the other hand, have rather fallen in love with her again lately. If only we had more time we could really enjoy each other's company and do some interesting things together. Hmmmmm.... </p> <p>Memories: R, H and C all crawling out of bet at 6am to sit on the sofa and watch mum and dad make themselves look like idiots doing aerobics in front of the TV! Sweet! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/15/appraising-another-year-5382116/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/15/appraising-another-year-5382116/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/14/bloody-calls-5376340/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-01-14:/2009/01/14/bloody-calls-5376340/Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:59:27 +0100 <p>Every few months I have this call with a colleague from abroad... its a 'mentoring' call. all-in-all they are pretty useful, but before each one I get all bent out of shape because I don't want to do the call and I'm afraid I'll have nothing to talk about! I mean - a whole hour of having nothing to talk about. Scary. Anyway, one is about to start in 3 minutes, so I'm writing here quickly to record this sentiment... I'm feeling a bit nervous ('cos this guy is a senior guy in this company) and I am planning to play the call by ear... no (or very little) prep... just, hopefully, 1 or 2 topics of conversation to raise when the call goes quiet...</p> <p>scary.</p> <p>Well - I'm no doubt reading this after the event and laughing! Until next time, that is ;-)</p> <p>Oh, and an hour after the end of this call I have my annual appraisal (rescheduled from tomorrow morning!). That'll be fun, especially since I have this new found value for my job in the current economic climate. Lets just say I cannot afford to be made redundant! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/14/bloody-calls-5376340/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/14/bloody-calls-5376340/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/05/new-year-new-me-5325888/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2009-01-05:/2009/01/05/new-year-new-me-5325888/Mon, 05 Jan 2009 14:21:29 +0100 <p>I write as snow falls outside my office at the end of the corridor. Nothing that will settle I don't suppose, but still a seasonal pleasure. Following on from my last post, it is quite anticlimatic as the new year starts. I wonder what 2009 will bring? I resurrected the old pastime of including a letter to myself in the Christmas decorations box, summarising 2008 and anticipating 2009. We'll open that next year to find out what, if anything, has changed. We did something similar with Center Parcs too. These are the sorts of things kids remember and take with them as they grow.</p> <p>This morning at 6am my alarm clock woke me. I prodded G to rouse her and together we dragged each other out of bed to stand in the lounge jumping around to an aerobics DVD. The very thought of it was exhausting as I lay there at 6am but I remember back to when I was a paper-boy as a youngster. I routinely got up at that time - and earlier - to do numerous paper rounds. They got me out of the house and kept me fit (to an extent) and I know that the thought of getting out of bed is usually much worse than actually getting out of bed. Anyway, once we were downstairs doing our thing everything was great. The preparations were not to tricky either - I made lunchboxes and prepared the breakfast table the night before, so we were all set to exercise and shower in the morning. I think things worked out fine. G and I are resolute that we will drag each other out of bed every weekday morning like this, to do some sort of fitness routine. I am not planning or scheduling any sort of anal routine, just 30-60 minutes of brisk exercise each morning to raise my level of fitness (and perhaps shed a few pounds or just a smidgen more!). Food wise I will be making a few changes. I've done this so many times in the past that I know I need to keep my changes to a reasonable and not anal level. For example, I'll be eating some sort of breakfast in the mornings now, after my shower. I'll be avoiding coca-cola like the plague, only having diet-coke where all other options are unavailable. Trouble is, I quite like a fizzy drink - so I've found low-calorie fizzy bitter lemon... quite a good substitute for Lemon Fanta actually! but without the sugar or the pricetag (and a bit more bitter!). I'll make my own lunch for work, and will not supplement with puddings or coke. If I buy anything it will be crisps, and preferably the baked variety. I found today that taking a muller fruit corner to work is quite effective too - much cheaper than they are at work and they serve as a perfectly adequate dessert. Otherwise, I'll eat a normal evening meal and then comes the hardest part... not snacking at night! I know (from past history) that snacking at night is the hardest part of my lifestyle to change. I'll try going cold-turkey with my only back-up plan being early nights in bed! I don't really want to eat rubbish before going to bed because I will probably just put on weight that way. hmmmmmm... I got G Wii Fit for Christmas this year, so we'll both be using that to monitor our energy levels and weight. Its got some good games on it too. Doing this exercise with G is working quite well actually - it gives us a bit of couple time (!!) and we have a common objective. I think it will do us both a bit of good.</p> <p>As I sit here and ponder life, I look forward to going home and cozying up with a good movie in the evening, having a rest and gorging out on a great big bag of Peanut M&Ms!!! Of course, now I know I'm trying to eat more healthy I can't be doing that of an evening... except that if I stopped doing it altogether I'd become a pretty miserable sod and I would probably get so sad that I'd give up on eating healthily altogether and I'd 'fall off the wagon', reverting to eating crap every evening of the week! So I have a plan.... how about I allow myself one evening of eating crap and watching movies every fortnight? To have such a binge weekly would probably affect my overall consumption too much, and any less than fortnightly would leave me depressed. Once a fortnight I should have a good old-fashioned cozy-night-in-with-binge-evening!! Yeah - now that is a motivator! Its a bit like waiting for the weekend! Lets see if it works.</p> <p>Anyway, as the new year starts I start to concentrate on the drudgery of life once again... same old work... same old life... same old money worries... same old same old...</p> <p>What's 2009 gonna bring?! Economic crisis is inevitable. Will it affect me? Almost certainly. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/05/new-year-new-me-5325888/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2009/01/05/new-year-new-me-5325888/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/12/29/between-christmas-and-new-year-is-always-a-disappointing-anticlimatic-period-5293751/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2008-12-29:/2008/12/29/between-christmas-and-new-year-is-always-a-disappointing-anticlimatic-period-5293751/Mon, 29 Dec 2008 15:54:06 +0100 <p>So I'm enduring that short period sandwiched between Christmas and New Year. Strange time of the year really... the excitement of Christmas disappeared extremely quickly and the non-event of New Year looms. I've never really figured out what we celebrate at New Year... a new beginning I suppose. Its always a bit of a non-event at our house anyway since the kids are in bed and there is never a babysitter on new year's eve. I guess its a great opportunity for a party if you don't have such concerns.</p> <p>I've decided to work all over Christmas this year, having only the bank holidays off. I have taken Jan 2nd off because R is in hospital that day but otherwise I've been at work on all working days. Its not such a bad thing actually. I save on vacation (of which I have only three and a half days left until April!) and I managed to avoid a few annoyances of Christmas... e.g. the mother-in-law on Christmas eve; and the stress of looking after the kids in these few days before the New Year. Although I feel sorry for G being lumbered with them on her own - it is not easy, especially since the excitement has not really subsided and they do not listen to us at all at the moment.</p> <p>I'm feeling the anticlimax quite badly right now. I mean, once Christmas has gone, what exactly is there to look forward to? I know it sounds really depressing but I feel like I'm starting back at the beginning all over again - like I spent a year working hard, doing my best, and now I have to do it all again! I feel tired, sleepy and bored with life. I have no money since I overspent at Christmas (again!). Sorting out last year's debts with a personal load hasn't worked - I just grew more debts! Pissed off with myself actually, not least because I got to about July or August with no debt before it all went horribly wrong. Bloody money.</p> <p>We invited the mother in law and G's brother for Christmas - both of them declined to confirm whether they'd be coming or not (pending better offers we suspected) until about 5 days before the big day with the mother-in-law announces to us that she will be coming afterall. I exploded for an evening (much to G's annoyance) before coming to terms and dealing with it (that's my trademark style - yell first, think later). Anyway, mother-in-law came on Christmas eve while I was at work and she is really quite unwell. She had reconstructive surgery following her mastectomy for breast cancer in September. In October, while she was on holiday in the west-country she had to have the implant removed due to infection. Ever since (months!) she has a gaping open-wound in her chest and growing infection that is not responding particularly well to antibiotics. All this left her pretty bloody miserable for the whole of christmas (not unsurprisingly).</p> <p>She's gone back into hospital in her home town now she's gone home, but we were no good for her all over christmas with the kids making too much noise for her and me being too jolly (I was pissed most of the time!). Well, she's gone now. G's aunty took her home on the 27th after staying the night on 26th. First thing in the morning the mother-in-law asks "when are we leaving... only I've arranged to meet someone for lunch..." to which G's aunty announces that she is not leaving until the evening. Silly cow of a mother-in-law. She clearly didn't want to be with us... why on earth did she come?!</p> <p>Trouble is, during her last period of extended sickness (breast cancer) she got into all sorts of financial difficulty and couldn't pay her mortgage. She sold her house and came to live with us for a few months (you'll remember if you read this blog!). Well, subsequently, she only went and got another mortgage for a house in a town that is some distance from her friends, family and work (despite G finding her a perfectly nice flat in her home town at a price she could afford without a mortgage!!!). So now she's been off work for some weeks she is getting into financial trouble again. G is very very pissed off. Afterall, the mother-in-law could be living in a flat she owns outright, but instead she's getting into mortgage arrears. In the current financial climate we can't really see the options she had last time - she can't sell her house (except for a massive loss!) so repossession looms unless she can recover and get back to work quick. Perhaps she'll be saved by these new anti-repossession initiatives the government keeps talking about.</p> <p>Anyway, I guess I'm seeing this whole mother-in-law saga as something to focus on in the absence of anything else worth doing, now Christmas is out of the way and there's nothing better to be doing. I'm at work right now, doing no work of course. Crap it is. And G is still ploughing herself into he business. Before Christmas she spent most of her spare time making cakes and cookies. Then as Christmas week loomed she complained about having no time to prepare for Christmas! Silly bugger cannot see that she has no time at the moment because she still has little kids (and C is at home most of the week). She does very little routine housework except washing clothes and making meals. Everything else just goes to pot. She squanders her two days a week when C is at preschool doing "I don't know what". She still panders to this bloke who keeps calling her to offer her success and riches in the business world by supplying chocolate to some yachting company (wtf?!) and doesn't seem to acknowledge the risks of taking advice (or money!) from a complete stranger... Give it 9 months and she'll have so much spare time she won't know what to do with herself, but no... she can't wait - she has to squander her kids time instead. Silly. </p> <p>Anyway, back to wallowing in this silly period between Christmas and the New Year. I think I'll take a read at what I was writing this time last year....</p> <p>remember: C saying "I'm a good girl umunI mum?" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/12/29/between-christmas-and-new-year-is-always-a-disappointing-anticlimatic-period-5293751/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/12/29/between-christmas-and-new-year-is-always-a-disappointing-anticlimatic-period-5293751/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/12/10/strange-ups-and-downs-5197382/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2008-12-10:/2008/12/10/strange-ups-and-downs-5197382/Wed, 10 Dec 2008 11:15:16 +0100 <p>Its certainly true that G's mood affects everyone's mood... I mean, take now for example... she's pretty happy and we're all pretty happy. My last post, when she wasn't very happy, left us all pretty unhappy. I know we all play a part in the social dynamics of family life but I am convinced we play a lesser part than G.</p> <p>Anyway, I just thought I'd post about how positive and fantastic life has been this last couple of weeks. Sure, there have been some downs, although these are typically externally centered (G's friend pissed her off for selling her cakes when she gave them to her as a gift; the fact that we've just come back off holiday has left a general malaise; and G's worries about the success (or otherwise) of her business, etc).</p> <p>So last week we were at Center Parcs and we had a fantastic time - really good. H & R did fencing, we swam lots and lots and walked around. It didn't matter when it rained. It didn't matter when it was cold. In fact it didn't matter much at all about anything - we were just happy to be together and enjoyed our time in the woods. Some memories: C on her little bike peddling like mad to keep up; R going down the whitewater rapids and holding on to me for dear life! I let go of her once as we went down a small slide in the rapids and she said she almost drowned - grapping on to rocks at the side to save herself!; R going down the green slides on her own for the very first time!; C coming down the slides with me and loving every minute of it, saying "see daddy, its not too fast is it?!"; H having fun swimming with his sausage (woggle thing) and without any buoyancy aid!; bowling, with the kids loving it; the toyshop visit everyday!; opening the giant advent calendar with fairy cakes, and C being asked what she would like for christmas; hiding a special message in our villa for us to hopefully find next year; sausage rolls from the parc market; miniature golf; trampolining; the joy of watching H win at table football; and my toothache. Can't wait to book again for next year! Yay!</p> <p>Yes, halfway through our holiday I developed the most intense toothache. It still hasn't gone now, despite me going to the dentist on Monday this week and getting antibiotics which are finished tomorrow. It really hurts after eating, but luckily my friend advised on effective pain relief (he has so much experience of these things). Dentist says I'll probably need a root canal with a gold (yeugh!) onlay. Cost? About £1400. Yikes. And my insurance drops to a 50% refund in January. Shit. The other option (which I must say I find quite favourable at the moment) is extraction. I've already had the equivalent tooth extracted on the other side of my mouth and it doesn't cause me any difficulty (and its not visible when my mouth is open).. I think I would like extraction please... how to break the news to my dentist though...???</p> <p>G and I are looking forward to a great christmas this year. We got all the presents out last night and looked through them - they've all got so much! Just need something extra for Rosie and then we'll be set. We think a small digital camera might do the job. The only downside to christmas is relatives, especially G's relatives - they are a complete pain in the arse. You never quite know when they're coming over etc. We invited G's mum and her brother for Christmas but neither seem to have committed to coming. We'll have to assume they're not now. Then her cousin's wife invites herself for boxing day after 2 years of messing us about on boxing day... I don't think we'll be doing that again. And, of course, we get Aunty for the lionshare of the Christmas period. I won't take much vacation this year - especially because Aunty is here for most of the time - I find it all very tedious and boring when we can't go anywhere or do anything except gossip inanely about other people while sipping tea and looking into space or browsing through some sort of catalogue. How annoying.</p> <p>Oh well, might not get to post again before Christmas. I hope my tooth is sorted by then ... :-( </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/12/10/strange-ups-and-downs-5197382/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/12/10/strange-ups-and-downs-5197382/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/funny-five-minutes-again-5050915/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2008-11-17:/2008/11/17/funny-five-minutes-again-5050915/Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:05:58 +0100 <p>Whatever it is - PMT, complete rage or complete and utter misery, G has seen fit to be a complete bitch this last week and today in particular she has yelled at me persistently.</p> <p>Why does it have to be like this? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/funny-five-minutes-again-5050915/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/funny-five-minutes-again-5050915/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/15/6-minutes-of-fame-4875989/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2008-10-15:/2008/10/15/6-minutes-of-fame-4875989/Wed, 15 Oct 2008 15:48:57 +0200 <p>That presentation (see previous blog entry) was scheduled to last 20 minutes. I was told to prepare for that to be cut in half. In the event, I needed to compress my 20 minute pitch into a 6 minute "ramble", with the opening line "this will be a whistle-top-store"(sic) !!!</p> <p>anyway... things not going too great at home at the mo. Interesting thing is that G has become a bit distant, exhausted, lacking interest and somewhat mundane and boring. I counted that, come this weekend, we won't have had any 'couple time' for 9 weeks. That's no time on our own without kids doing something for ourselves. Sure, we spent a day or two together decorating the house lately, but I don't think that constitutes coupled time. In our balancing act with the kids we seem to spend more time apart than together. This weekend G will stay away with the kids at a relatives house so I can do (yet more!) decorating. Really getting a bit bored with the decorating now.</p> <p>I've been trying to inject some fun things into our lives. I tried to convince G that we should get away for a week in early December (center parcs have a great offer that week). We can't go earlier because its more expensive, and any later and we infringe on the kids Christmas festivities in school (plus, it gets more expensive!). I put this to G and she said no - apparently she's flogging cakes at a Christmas fair on the Saturday so its out of the question. Talk about priorities - a week of family quality time versus a Christmas fair. Oh well, each to their own.</p> <p>That is not to say I don't appreciate how important it is for G to have "something for herself". I really do. But if she could just wait a little while longer she'll have all three kids in school and she can pamper her own interests to her hearts content every day of the week from 9:00 til 3:00. That's one hell of a lot more time than anyone else gets to themselves at the moment. But then she's not famed for waiting for things.</p> <p>I'm not really over that whole ex-boyfriend thing, and I know she finds me irritating and annoying a lot of the time (she makes it abundantly clear) but at least she's got her boyfriend to moan to about it all. Makes me sick really. Had a bit of a relapse lately - putting things back on track though now. That said, we're all exhausted at the moment - distinct lack of sleep going around (one or other of the kids always seems to come into the bedroom at some ungodly hour of the morning - today it was 3am with C moaning (loudly!) about her bedroom light being switched off. G just invited her into bed which pissed me off a treat - they'd just fall asleep and that would be that. I don't do invites into bed I'm afraid).</p> <p>Holiday seems a distant memory. Sometimes I think about it with longing. We're not managing to maintain any de-stressing really. I have to say I find G very stressful. I can often hear her in the background getting frustrated with one or other of the kids. It makes me stressed and then I lash out - usually at one of the kids. I need to reign this in.</p> <p>Decorating is a right royal pain in the arse at the moment. Nearly finished the lounge and dining room - just got to put all the skirting back on the walls and hang the doors. Then I can move onto the joys of the hall, stairs and landing. Oh joy. Its a big job.</p> <p>Going to an invite-only event tomorrow evening with my big-boss at work to see someone really quite important. Means 3-hours spent in the car on the way there, about 4 hours there, and three hours on the way back. Lovely. Thats a days work in one swoop. Bit stressful really, can't wait for it to be over.</p> <p>Anyway enough moaning. How about something positive?</p> <p>I wish.......... G would cheer up a bit and see how positive her life is. G would grasp some control of herself and organise her brain a bit more so that she isn't so muddly and hectic. G and I could get some couple time so we could actually have a relationship that doesn't involve working (either cleaning, cooking, decorating, childcare... just a 'relationship'!). I would hurry up and finish the bloody decorating! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/15/6-minutes-of-fame-4875989/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/15/6-minutes-of-fame-4875989/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/09/just-about-to-go-into-a-short-but-very-stressful-4845121/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2008-10-09:/2008/10/09/just-about-to-go-into-a-short-but-very-stressful-4845121/Thu, 09 Oct 2008 15:05:19 +0200 <p>Just about to go into a short, but very stressful, telephone presentation with very senior people about something utterly mundane and so I'm a bit anxious (to say the least! I wish I could just relax about these things!). I nearly didn't take the time to blog but then this overwhelming need to "capture the moment" ran through me, and so here I am!</p> <p>We're decorating at home right now and the place is a bloody mess. We've been spending money we haven't got too, including buying the most enormous TV I've ever seen! I told G we only needed a little one but instead we've got this monstrosity. Oh well, I'm sure it won't seem so big when its balanced by a sofa and our other new furnishings. I fitted a wood floor... quite stressful over a few nights... nearly finished now. Just got the whole of the rest of the downstairs to decorate. ho hum.</p> <p>Things with G are ok - finally completely cut-off from the whole social networking thing. She could be on the verge of divorcing me and I really wouldn't know (neither would I care a whole lot I don't suppose). Home life is just 'hectic', in a word. Work is stressful with this sort of presentation crap going on all the time. I could really just do with getting on with my day job.</p> <p>R is at hospital having some tests. Its really worrying when your kids are unwell. H has problems too and is being treated. H also needs lots of love and reassurance because he's a bit behind at school mainly due to his age. If he was born 10 days later he'd be in a whole different school year. Its heartbreaking really. Why make his life so tough?!</p> <p>C is lovely as ever though. very independent. G gets very stressed and quite cross in the morning - shouting, screaming, huffing and puffing, jumping up and down, frustrated, when the kids are trying to do up their own shoes or something. Not a nice (or healthy) way to live really.</p> <p>Anyway, got 30 mins to go through this 15 min pitch a few more times! Wish me luck! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/09/just-about-to-go-into-a-short-but-very-stressful-4845121/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/09/just-about-to-go-into-a-short-but-very-stressful-4845121/#commentshttp://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/03/abstinence-continues-with-varied-success-4815981/tag:jubjub.blog.co.uk,2008-10-03:/2008/10/03/abstinence-continues-with-varied-success-4815981/Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:22:19 +0200 <p>Well the holiday was a success. With the exception of one morning (after a sleepless night) where I allowed my insecurities to eminate from my pores in a way that G could not fail to notice, I think I largely managed to maintain my abstinence from all things bad in our marital communications.</p> <p>This morning, however, she was wittering on about her 'business' or somesuch and I was clearly not interested. She, however, seemed to genuinely want to hear what I had to say. Wary of falling into a trap where I give advice or recomendation that later becomes the cause of some failed business venture I had to explain how I had learned not to get involved and how this explained my apparent failure to engage with her on the subject. I think I came across somewhat 'arsey' which, of course, has exactly the opposite effect to abstinence... ho hum.</p> <p>Also, since we came back off our holiday we've been decorating the house and this has lead to long tiring days. As per normal I get crotchety as I get tired and my manner is less measured. This has lead to some brief glimmers of my true-self beneath the armor of abstinence - an unhealthy interest in what others thing, slightly snappy and critical attitude... that sort of thing.</p> <p>I really must put it all to bed now and get back to abstinence or she'll be back on the internet telling her boyfriend how awful I am to live with again... not that I should care... except that maybe I do, but I don't (if you know what I mean). </p> <p>By the way, I have abstained from certain a social networking site by actually deactivating my account. That way I can't even see what G is up to on there. In these regards I really have detached from that whole online-networking crap. My holiday did rather teach me the value of face-to-face relationships! who wants to communicate with their nearest-and-dearest through a bland and dull screen and keyboard?! What the hell happened to humanity!</p> <p>Memories: R describing clouds outside the airplane as "cloudy floss" (like candy-floss!); C being awake at 5 in the morning and bright as a button before the flight; H poking his brains out with a drinks stirrer! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/03/abstinence-continues-with-varied-success-4815981/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://jubjub.blog.co.uk/2008/10/03/abstinence-continues-with-varied-success-4815981/#comments