I'm very very tired, had a tiring weekend and not really in the mood for being back at work. Does this explain my completely unbelievably depressed mood at the moment? I mean, I really cannot be arsed to do ANYTHING. I'm feeling very very low indeed... I know that just last week I was elated and somewhat ecstatic? What is the matter with me?
I was talking about having over 25 years of working life left ahead of me and my colleague told me I should never count down the days. He said he's got through his 35 year working life without ever counting them down - instead he tries to enjoy every day, making each day count.
I'm not really sure what "making each day count" actually means. When I've finished a day, how could I reasonably assess whether that day counted or not. What is "count"? Does it have to mean something to me? should I be proud of it? happy with it? Does it count if I'm not even drawn to think about it because it doesn't occur to me to do so...?
Slightly weird predicament as I went for my lunchtime walk with my friend and colleague who is diagnosed terminally ill with cancer. So I have this person walking next to me who might not be alive in 12 months time and I'm complaining about being depressed. And with all her worries she still talks to me about it and it doesn't seem so weird.
Perhaps, for me, making each day count is about getting stuff done. I'm wondering if I am depressed at the moment because I'm not getting anything done and I'm tired. I'd spend a whole day doing nothing, then work will pile up around me, then I'll get swamped in it and I'll get depressed. Perhaps I need to actually do the work then I wouldn't have that particular pressure on me. I seem to need micromanaging because if I can avoid working at any point I generally will. It's tough.
Still seeing counsellor and she's excellent. We've been working really hard on my relationship with G. I've learned a whole lot about it, and I've also learned that I can adapt my behaviours to develop how I feel. E.g. I need to stop asking G "are you alright?" or "what's wrong?" or "what are you worrying about?" or "what are you thinking?"... these questions send messages to G on many levels... they tell G of how insecure I am, how I am paranoid in my worry about her, how I am scared that she is unhappy, how I worry about her leaving. In turn, G learns (either consciously or subconsciously) that she can get certain results by behaving in certain ways to prompt these questions or in response to these questions - a form of manipulation.
It would be nice if I wasn't insecure, paranoid, worried or scared... and that has to be my objective... and in the meantime, to adapt my behaviour so that I do not exhibit these emotions (even when I have them) will act as a precursor to actually breaking the cycle. G can't manipulate me, I won't express the emotions, and the hope is that in time the emotions will actually change, I will become more confident and less worried and G will be less able to manipulate me.
This is not to say that I should always hide my emotions, just that I need to break this particular cycle and this is one way of doing it. It's been really really tough though. The number of times I've asked (or wanted to ask) G one of those questions and had to stop myself or remind myself over the last week is interesting to me.
Well, here I am, trying to make each day count. I'm seeing my best friend and another old friend from college for a drink tonight. That will be nice. The day will count in that way. Won't have got much work done though, so not in that way...
I'm thinking I need a good rest and then I should really try to get my "house" in order - sort out my work and get some structure and routine. I might take tomorrow as vacation... kids in school, C in preschool.... no meetings in my diary... no urgent deadlines to meet.... I'll do it! Why the hell not?!
And I won't ask G, or mention it to her (She'll be working all day). I'll just do it and tell her I'm doing it. Good for me!
