Strange changes are taking place in my life. So I've been seeing this counsellor (seen her twice now) and she is really good but it is not straightforward. She's really challenging my perceptions of things and my understanding of my life and my relationship with G.
This can only be good and healthy but it is uncomfortable and tricky.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bit oppressed. My behaviour and what I do are, to some extent, dictated by G. She has these quite effective but quite unhealthy ways of manipulating me that I hadn't really realised before. For example, I take too much interest in what she is thinking, all in an effort to make her happy (although she sometimes finds this in itself irritating!). If she looks or behave unhappy I will wonder why and try to fix it. G seems to have latched onto this process and is taking advantage of it (whether consciously or subconsciously). For example, if she doesn't want me to do something she will express her unhappiness in other ways (such as about other things) but it is quite overt really what she is unhappy about, and I then feel compelled to make her happy by adapting my behaviour. Complicated really, but I can see it happening in real life.
I'm wondering if I need to stop trying to make her happy. She is responsible for her own happiness. If I happen to contribute to her happiness by being myself then that's all well and good. If not, its unfortunate. But either way, at least I don't have to constantly strive to address her wellbeing so proactively.
You can see that this is a slow and progressive process that may result in G and I going our own separate ways. Part of me thinks that if only G knew what was going on she might actually try to work with me in sorting this out. Instead she is ignorant of it. She is quite adamant that she is not responsible for her unhappiness.
A case in point: she spends all her time trying to start her business which involves doing something she supposedly enjoys (but which, like everything, when taken to excess becomes thoroughly unenjoyable!). It has so far been unsuccessful as a business but effective as a hobby I suppose (though G would hate me saying that). I have realised that I need some hobbies - some outlets for my own personal passions and ambitions. I hooked on two: canoeing and music. My eldest R also fancied canoeing so I took her to a local canoe club and we spend a few hours learning the basics having a really good time. When I went home there was an atmosphere - G was clearly unhappy. I enquired as to why and she projected her unhappiness onto other things, like the amount of work she had been doing cleaning the house or something else. When I scratched a bit deeper with the issue she was thoroughly pissed off that I could spend a few hours out in a boat with R when she could do nothing. She also got quite cross that I had suggested that she chose to pursue her business as her interest, claiming that this is instead a business for making money not a hobby. The fact of the matter is that her various "businesses" have collectively cost me a couple of thousand pounds over the last 2 years and have made no money to speak of. So, whether consciously or not, she ruined my day. She spoiled the activity of canoeing with my eldest R leaving me with a deep and lasting guilt when doing anything like that again. She did the same with the music, though she wouldn't agree with my assessment. I told her I was going to get lessons. She asked if we can afford it. We can't really. I admitted we can't really. She got hissy about how she can't spend money so why should I. Perhaps I shouldn't. She would say she's just pointing out the obvious. I feel like I can't pursue that interest either. Don't get me wrong - when she has an interest she wants to pursue we would look at ways we could do it, both in terms of the time and money required (e.g. her businesses - case in point).
I know, deep down, that I should be carrying on with my life how I want in as reasonable a way as I can. I don't think canoeing with R once in a while is unreasonable (its certainly not expensive at all - almost free!). Music lessons are also not unreasonable if I can find the time and money somehow. I think the challenge (or the 'test') for our marriage is whether G can overcome her resentments and work with me instead of against me.
There she is now, phoning me at work. She's telling me how happy some woman was because she'd made some things for her (as part of her business). In fairness, she did make some money on this one product (all spent now I think!) and it may be the first of many. I found myself shuddering when I saw her call on the phone. I think I'm beginning to dislike her. I acted busy and gave my apologies, saying goodbye.
Memories: R on the water for the first time... she picked up canoeing extremely quickly, managing forwards, backwards and winning a game in the water! Very very proud of her.
