had a bloody awful couple of days. Massive arguments Sunday night with G, and again yesterday, fueled by the presence of her mother who came to stay last night. I've just been plain horrible to G.
Today I called her and she's pretty low. She wants me to go away for a bit. Very depressing. Its funny how the shock of being told my marriage may be over sent me into an anxious panicked state - kind of like desperation - like I knew I had gone too far and needed to recover something.
Then G started telling me all the things I already knew, like about my personal anxiety problems (being exhibited in that very conversation!) and my inability to make friends, communicate effectively about feelings and emotions, my low self esteem and insecurities - especially since that whole incident with her ex boyfriend last year.
I can see that I certainly have issues. She spelled them out so well and I could really see them in the light of day. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry - was I happy that I saw myself and my issues, or sad that I had to admit I have issues. We both agreed I need help. My marriage is at stake.
It seems to stem a lot from my childhood - not being allowed to talk about feelings, not being allowed to show insecurities, not being allowed to be sad or having failed in something. G asked me if I could go to my mother and tell her I was a failure - I said I couldn't. She was right.
So I've called a counsellor provided by my employer. They're going to phone back any second. Part of me thinks I need to get my head straight before I talk to them but another part of me thinks its probably best to just talk with a messy head - more honest, more accurate. I need face-to-face counselling I think. I have always known I have issues, just never had the guts to do anything about them.
Part of me feels good (if a bit apprehensive) that I've made the call. Part of me feels like this is another "new-me" thing going on - like I've lost the weight, I'm fitter than ever, and now I'm going right to the core of the problem.
I'm also worried that it may not save my marriage. I love G so much and I want to be with her but I need to act with integrity. If she doesn't want me I can't change that. She said she'll support me through anything I want to do to improve things for myself. I noted how different that is to saying I will stay with you.
I've got real issues now. They will all be aired. I'll have to tackle them all head on. I'm scared, nervous and a bit embarrassed. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it. I just keep typing here so that I fill the time before the callback comes. I just need to keep typing, keep "in the zone". Its all to easy for me to brush these feelings under the carpet and forget how it all is... like pretending there aren't any issues... just like when I was a kid.
If I keep typing, writing about how I feel, I cannot leave the zone. I can stay in touch with myself. I can remind myself that its not all right, its not ignorable. My wellbeing, happiness and that of my family depend on me fixing this. I do hope it works.
I love my kids so much. I love G so much. I don't want to lose them. That's all I know. You know, it was really hard to phone the counselling people. Really hard. I nearly cried when I spoke to them. Its like finally admitting I've got issues and need help. Yet at the same time its a bit liberating, a little bit of ecstasy or elation creeps into how I'm feeling.
It doesn't help that I've made this call at work. Not the best place to be sat in an office talking about yourself down the phone to a counsellor. I better not get interrupted or I might just burst into tears... see - afraid to express my emotions. not feeling entitled to them. strange.
Well.. I'll just sit here and re-read this until the call comes. Wish me luck.
