Things didn't go quite to plan. Still haven't got the St. Johns Wort but will try to get some asap.

G is spending a lot of cash I don't have. She also told her ex- that I thought she was going to have an affair with him... nice one. 'dis your other half to your ex-. lovely.

Anyway, I'm really torn between not thinking about things (and getting on with my life) under the general action plan I devised yesterday, and dwelling on how I feel and being miserable (which comes across to G as a general 'distance' or 'vacancy').

Part of my problem is that I really can't stop her thinking I'm a sad little man. e.g. yesterday I was a bit cross because the rabbits ate the roots of my climber in the garden. I spent about 2 minutes putting it into perspective and was quite resigned, without anger, frustration etc. When I later mentioned it to G she was very defensive and presumed to argue with me. My indications that I didn't want to argue came across as a little sarcastic, but it was entirely genuine.

Similarly, my "not-bothered" attitude about loads of things comes across to her as "bothered"! How on earth do I deal with that - its like trying to demonstrate that I'm really "not bothered"... tricky one. Oh, and between you and me, I really am not bothered (I have been working hard to remove "bother" from my mindset, in the spirit of the action plan).

Another one is cleaning the house - G spends extra time making everything ship-shape and perfect - while I'm trying not to care. This can come across as not caring that she's made the effort - wrong outcome! Perhaps this is just a period of adjustment...?

We'll see.

Feeling very insecure about my marriage at the moment. I'm beginning to think its not anything particularly tangible (although I do dwell on G's rekindling of old boy-friendships) and I am beginning to strongly suspect its me. I had a chat with my best friend last Friday and spoke of these issues... including my continual negativity, feelings of insecurity, loneliness, unhappiness etc. I should be getting happier - got a great payrise a couple of weeks ago and we just celebrated a big anniversary (G and I had a fantastic weekend away on our own! A great opportunity to spoil her a bit). But instead I'm gradually feeling ever more insecure and sad. My best friend suggested St. Johns Wort - I will definitely give it a go. If its me that's making me unhappy perhaps chemical intervention is what's needed.

I spent the whole weekend on my own! G took the kids to her rellies for the weekend (a pre-arranged thing). I was supposed to do some work at home but in the event the house was a bit of a tip so I spent all of Saturday sorting it out. I managed quite a bit - sorted the garage, cleaned the house top-to-bottom. That sort of thing. Spent Sunday doing laundry (everything washed, dried and ironed) and in-between I sunbathed in the garden - we've had some absolutely fantastic weather. I'm rather brown on my shoulders now! I also watched the best part of two series of "The Office" when I needed to cool off. A thoroughly relaxing and refreshing weekend, if a bit lonely.

So I think I'm decided that this unhappiness I am experiencing is just me. Symptoms include: a general malaise with myself; thoughts of lack of self worth; massive insecurity that G is thinking I'm inadequate and may want to leave; abusing my body by eating extremely unhealthily (or not at all) and doing no exercise (i.e. not caring for myself); loneliness (although I just arranged an evening out with my best friend in a fortnight - always a good one); very negative attitude towards the children (always snappy with them, always getting frustrated with them making a mess etc); obsessive behavior relating to cleanliness and tidiness

I started to look at the aspects of my behavior and personality I can consciously affect. Some of these include: my negativity towards my family (including extended family); and my obsessive behavior regarding tidiness and cleaning.

re: my negativity towards my family - people aren't that bad! In fact, I pride myself on being able to see the good in people where others perhaps don't! The key, for me, is to show a prolonged and concerted effort at positivity towards all the people I deal with. St. John's Wort should help with this. I really need to think twice before I say anything that is, or could be seen as, negative. In particular, I want to completely strike-out from my life anger and hostility towards my wife and children. This may be hard, but I want to measure myself against these objectives.

re: obsessive behavior regarding tidiness & cleaning - I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. On Friday our house was a complete mess. Everything needed sorting out. I was quite depressed about it, and G and I actually had a bit of a bicker about it. What I learned was that it was easily cleaned and tidied (although it took a bit of time), and all I needed was a little bit of time to do it. Thus, the lesson is, it doesn't matter how messy things are, they can always be made good again. I think I stress myself out too much (and put too much pressure on myself) about keeping things "just so" when it doesn't really matter does it! I can let things get messy and then tidy them up later! I really need to chill out about these things. If I took St. Johns Wort I might be more able to brush these things off... of course, my reputation in this regard (especially in G's eyes) will take a long time to shake off, but if I'm consistent and concerted in my efforts I should be able to do it.

G always assuming the worst of me - how to turn this around. I seem to have this way of henpecking, nitpicking and "going on". I just need to identify this behavior and STOP IT! Overall I really need to chill. I need to be less of a control freak (my friend pointed this out!) - stop tying to control who does what when, and how, and stop enquiring as to what has been done and how!!

Of course, it could turn out to be quite a challenge following through on these things if behavior outside my control takes hold. I mean, for example, G also finds it easy to be negative and frequently gets frustrated and angry with me and the kids. Also, once a month G can be a nightmare - I'll need to figure out how to manage this in the best way.

So, here's my plan of action. I'm recording here so I can measure myself against this plan in future... lets see if it works!

Action Plan
1) Buy and take St. John's Wort
2) Stop asking about the cost of things, just pay for them
3) Be consistently positive and engaging with the children
4) Don't get cross with the children
5) Think twice (or better, three times!) before saying anything negative about anyone
6) Reassure and cuddle G when she is frustrated, cross, angry or insecure (or anything similar)
7) Allow mess to happen. Have a coping strategy- e.g. take time-out to clean up once a week
8) DO NOT BE ANAL about cleaning - don't mention it, refer to it, or make a deal out of it or mess
9) Stop being a control freak. Stop henpecking/nitpicking. Don't go looking for things. Let them happen.
10) Do surprising things for G and the kids once in a while.

P.S. This is my 100th Blog Entry - HOORAH! I kept it up....

I currently have a "model man" that is used by artists as the graphic to the right of this blog. It has its head held somewhat low with a resigned posture. It occurs to me as I write that this is a perfect reflection of my mood.

I am feeling particularly meloncholy lately. I can rationalise my life as generally happy, somewhat troublesome (as everyone else really) but when I take the quite rare opportunity to sit and reflect I realise that I am fundamentally very depressed. I can't quite put my finger on the exact cause. I can't believe the elephant in the room can cause quite such fundamental and powerful feelings of complete sadness, dispair and hopelessness. I chose those words very carefully - especially hopelessness. That's how I feel. Hopeless. Yet my life could be seen to be really quite comfortable as lives go. My kids are absolutely gorgeous and give me meaning (rightly-or-wrongly!). My job is a rave, and more recently it has rewarded. G is something of a trouble to me - and perhaps this is the elephant in the room. I do so love G dearly. I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with her - I feel I certainly could be. I absolutely have been in the past. So I explain my feelings to myself in terms of the changes that we have experienced in our lives - kids, stresses, that sort of thing.

Strange thing has been happening lately - I've been using Facebook (social networking site) and a few friends from school have cropped up. They break memories I had very much archived. Then, this evening, I watched a "what happened next" documentary on the BBC - it tracked down a person featured in a documentary of some decades ago and caught up with their life now. It just so happened that the year of the original documentary was exactly the year I left school. In my own retrospective and sentimental way I put the two together and found an unlikely coincidence. Also, I started to do my old trick of mourning the life I have not yet had! I seem to enjoy wallowing in the experiences and memoris of those who have already lived a life with some admiration and envy that "they had got through it". It's a bit like when I was a kid on Christmas Eve - I could never get to sleep, but I knew that if I could only drop-off I would not have to endure the otherwise long, cold, dark, boring, tedious and scary night. You see, once you're asleep you have your dreams to keep you company and the transition from evening to morning is completely painless (save for the occasional nightmare, which I fortunately rarely experience). And so it was that I would so desperately want to get to sleep. When my brother (with whom I shared a room) was asleep, I would think to myself "he's already there! He's 'at' Christmas! lucky boy!".... because as far as my brother was concerned, the experience of getting through the night was out of his hands - his next waking memory would be of him waking up to open his Christmas stocking. This is how I have started to think about life - I look at people at the other end of life - older people, those retiring, those in their later years, with envy and some jealousy. I often joke to friends, family and colleagues that I can't wait to retire - and there is some real seriousness in that sentiment. Of course I'm told not to wish my life away, but if I am so clearly not enjoying my life why wouldn't I want to wish it away? In any event, I can't for the life of me figure out what it is about life that I don't enjoy! I seem to be most happy just to be on my own with my own company, lots of food and a good TV programme. That's my ultimate. I could quite easily become a hermit. And there's another thing - I am overweight (read as "fat") and very unhealthy. I take no time at all to care for myself. In the last year or two I have wondered if I am subconsciously trying to finish myself off - eating myself to death. I can't bring myself to suggest particular routes down that line of thinking (I typed a few but they were so crazy I just deleted them). Anyway, seeing what others go through with illness I am fully aware that it is not something to wish upon oneself. For me, a true coward, only the swiftest exit from life would be satisfactory.

I found myself browsing websites to understand how best to tie a noose. I've had intriguing visions of my departure - in my garage with a nice piece of classical music in the background. It would be refreshing to write a note with all my real thoughts and feelings on it. I tend to be pretty up-front in life anyway, but in death I could be completely frank. That said, I'm pretty frank in this blog, so this could suffice.

One thing I do know is that I love my children to bits and would never wish them harm. In particular, I have drawn myself to think of how my departure would affect their lives and I am sure it would be so significant and potentially damaging to them that they act as my deterrent.

I think it must be about the right time to schedule a long walk with my best friend of 15 years. We do it rarely (probably less than annually) but each time I reaffirm my belief in our relationship as best friends. He really is the best.

It would be nice if I truly believed this was just a medical problem that I could take a pill to cure. I really don't.

So my wife G has started using Facebook.... good thing too, about time she was dragged into the 21st century. She's been in touch with her ex-boyfriend and they seem to be hitting it off. She was initially quite perturbed that he hadn't responded to her email in 48hrs (she was quite upset actually) and now she's getting very chummy with him. Thing is, she left her facebook logged in when I went to use the laptop and I saw how she criticised me to her ex - telling him that I am "sooo up tight". Not something I wanted to see - I shouldn't have read it really, but it was there in black and white. I just logged her off and tried to forget about it, except I can't.

She's kind-of positive when she talks to me, but I know she's actually quite critical of me when behind my back (on the phone to her friends and family etc). Anyway, her family have never liked me - they think I'm too stressy - they'd love me to be so laid back I was comatose (like they are!).

Anwyay, I'm not bothered about G hitting-it off with her ex - good luck to her I think. She'll get a lot of encouragement - her family always loved her ex (never quite hitting it off with me). I'll just have to let things run their natural course.

Celebrating our wedding anniversary soon - a big one too. It would be a shame to have it tarnished with these things. G was told (by her friend last week) that she is "bored" - that's why she's always looking for a new project / business / venture. She works desperately hard at making products for her "customers" while making no money at all. Its really a hobby, and that's ok, but it shouldn't take over her life. She blames me for her not running her business at full-pelt like she was last year - I did have a huge problem with her working through the night for weeks on end, and with her working all weekends through our family time. The trouble is, because I was the only one really complaining, I am being blamed for her stopping, as if I am standing in the way of her becoming a great success. That's not what I'm doing at all. I'm simply trying to get a balance in our lives. All work and no play is no balance. Anyway, I should really really learn not to open my mouth because it doesn't matter how reasonable (or unreasonable) my advice might be, I will always be the reason why she can't do what she wants. I really must let her do what she wants and just put up with it. It will breed resentment, but I must work extremely hard not to show it.

The one thing I can't really let go of is spending. When our bank balance is at £0 I don't want us to spend money. Having been in debt all my working life, I am fed up (to the back teeth!) of living miserably because all my money is spent paying for something I bought 12 months ago! That's one issue I would probably have to put my foot down on.

Anyway, I just need to detach from this whole thing. And I need to stop trying to improve her quality of life - my efforts are ineffective anyway. I should let her be responsible for her quality of life and I should just get on with my own life. I spent all day yesterday wondering if she was happy, what I could do to improve her happiness, etc.etc. I spoke to her about it and she just seemed to be a bit irritated by me. So I give up. Its sad really though. I feel less trusting of her, but I shouldn't be controlling or stifling. It is funny - when we were first married it was her who was stifling - always wanting to go everywhere with me etc.etc.