another year, another birthday. I'm not really one for celebrating my birthday. G has asked me all week "what sort of cake shall I bake for you", and "where shall we go for your birthday" and other such kind questions. I have been rather blasé and, I suppose, a little bit dismissive.
In hindsight, I am guilty of not having any real appreciation for the family and friends I have around me. I gravitate towards solitude, isolation and loneliness and away from friendship, kindness, love and affection. Is there something wrong with me, I ask myself. When I am around others, I can genuinely enjoy myself (especially if we have things in common). Then I wonder why I have so little in common with most people - perhaps its just that I do not enjoy the sort of self-confidence to acknowledge my own personal attributes and how they differ from others. For example, if you put two completely different people together they could either shy away from each other on the basis that there is little common ground, or they could relish in learning and explaining about each other. Such relish is, it seems to me, most effective in the absence of judgmental and disrepsectful attitudes.
I'm not a typical bloke. I don't love to drink, play soccer and go to the pub with my mates. If I'm honest, I don't really have any mates. If I'd doubly honest, I find it hard making friends (- though I do have a long-term best friend from college, although we don't see each other often). I have aspirations, ambitions and hobby interests. And I am quite sociable really - I'm considered to be one of the more sociable members of my department at work, and people seem to enjoy spending time with me.
Its a strange dichotomy really. It reminds me of a television interview I watched recently with Victoria Wood, a succesful british comedienne. She described how people who were famed for comedy were often socially maladjusted - sort of social misfits. When they perform they portray an aura of social ability and they appear as "everyone's best friend". However, backstage and in their personal lives they are often shy, withdrawn and lonely people. I feel like that. When doing anything routine - like work, lunch with colleagues, normal everyday stuff - I can appear to be the center of attention. Take me to a party, on holiday, to a dinner party, however, and its a completely different kettle of fish.
I wonder if there's anything I can do to improve my social skills in these regards. For example, I was at a kids party for a cousin a few weekends ago. The whole family was there - loads of kids, loads of 20-something parents/siblings etc. I was more comfortable sitting with the 50+ year old aunties that with the 20-somethings. I kept well out of the way - having no confidence to dance, sing, play, eat, or really even approach and talk to most people. Okay, so it wasn't my direct family (it was the in-laws) but nonetheless, I felt very lonely. The blokes played soccer, drank beer and ate BBQ food. I hate all of those things! I would be more inclined to discuss a good movie, music or my work.
Perhaps its just that I need more friends and a hobby. I've always quite fancied kayaking. Now, I tried windsurfing a while back and hated it (because it was genuinely too difficult, and because I'm not comfortable bobbing around in the sea most of the time!) but kayaking is something I think I could really do. I've often scanned through the list of friends and acquaintances in my head thinking of who might come kayaking with me... haven't found a single one yet! I'm almost resigned to waiting for the kids to grow up a bit so that they could come with me... I don't feel confident enough to just go alone - except, perhaps, on a course... but would still favor going with a friend.
So its my birthday and I've just rattled on about how depressing my life is! Sorry about that! Really, though, I'm sure things aren't all that bad.
