Well it has been a while since I wrote. I have to admit to being quite depressed at the moment, and it is strange because G is becoming just less and less depressed all the time. She is so happy, and seems to have no time at all for me. She doesn't seem give a shit anymore and this, I fear, is gradually leading to me giving up on it all.
Its been going on for quite a while now - months really. G has been emotionally up and down and I have just been riding the waves waiting for her top come out of it. Now she's coming out and she's growing as a person she doesn't seem to need or want me in her life. Of course she says she does, but I can tell she doesn't. You know when someone loves you, and equally you know when they don't.
She has been attending a personalcoaching course (a kind of confidence building course) to help her identify and fulfil her ambitions. I must say that in two days it seems to have put rifts between us. She has suddenly got urgent desires to go out and make a million at all costs (like money is the be-all and end-all). Her plans seem to disregard any serious practical considerations (about money, lifestyle, and caring for children!). She has been prone to this sort of activity before when she went mad with about a thousand jobs just after having children. It took her ages, and a lot of depression/counselling, to realise how unhealthy and unhelpful all that was. But now she is so focused on earning loads of money to realise her dreams that my input with practical concerns and considerations is simply disregarded as undesirable "negative" meddling.
I think I'll just quit being proactively interested in what she's going on about. In fact, keeping myself to myself seems to be about the only way to live at the moment. I daren't get at all intimate with her, and I can't really help her with her plans. She's just evolving into something I cannot understand.
To my mind, I can only see that this road leads to eventually splitting up. There is no mutual love or affection and no real understanding. I think she pacifies me with comments about how it will "all be alright" when she's just trying not to destabalise a very precarious relationship. She admits to being scared of divorce, but at the same time she cannot answer my questions about what she wants to do, whether she wants me to stay and whether she is in love with me. This explains why I can only really see divorce on the horizon.
This is a shame, not least because I love my kids and don't want to leave them. I just want her to be happy, and to love me (which I know you cannot particularly influence), and above all to be content with our lot in life. I'm all for striving for the 'next better thing', but only if the costs are worth it (in terms of our sanity, our kids, and our resources). She thinks this makes me a stick in the mud.
Anyway, moan over, but I did want to record that right now I can only see divorce on the horizon. I strongly suspect I'll be proven right as I will write in future posts.
