So its been over a month since my last post and once again I'm compelled to write...

Every now and then I get so completely depressed, disillusioned, demoralised and demotivated I just completely fail to be productive for anything at all. I'm not getting anything done and haven't done for weeks. I'm just plodding along. Something is very wrong with me that I can't just get of my arse and get things done. Partly its because I can go on without doing much, and partly its because I don't want to do anything. I'm being a complete waste of space at the moment.

G had a absolute explosion of emotion on Sunday - I was still in bed and she was moaning about not having any money for Christmas. I commented that perhaps she could earn some for herself (since all three of the kids are now at school full time) and one way or another this led her to yell at me at the top of her voice "I HATE YOU!" about 5 times as she left the bedroom. This persisted for most of the day, in full view of the kids. I got pretty angry and yelled back. She screamed about how her family don't like the way I treat her and she just generally had a good old go at me. She would hit her head with the palm of her hand over and over, rocking back and forth, repeatedly saying "you have done this to me" and "you're screwing me up, I've got to get away", all in front of the kids. It was a scene not unfamiliar to those in mental institutions.

I'm fairly open minded. I'm not sure if I've done this to her or not. I was at counselling this year and I spent quite a bit of time convincing myself that I probably don't cause all these problems, while being open the prospect of being a big contributor to them of course. That said, when your wife is rocking back and forth talking to herself like this you can only start to believe her. I burst into tears because if I have caused all these problems I certainly haven't intended to. I really do want a happy and somewhat quiet life. I don't get any benefit or pleasure from undermining my own wife. I did say to her, me wrecking her is like me gouging out my own eyes - there's no sense to it.

Subsequently she's been apologetic and depressive and I've been really quite shaken up. The thing is that she is still making things for her "business". That is a business that makes no money whatsoever (and indeed has cost us quite a fortune over the years). She has been trying to earn money and failed. In fact, she was out last night selling stuff she'd spent a lot of this week making. I asked her how much she'd earned - she said £40. I asked her how much she spent on Monday at the shop buying the raw materials for the stuff she made and she said £41. And yet she is still doing it, spending her time and money on these things. She's out again tonight to do the same again. And again on Saturday. And again next weekend.

Part of me feels sorry for her. She is in turmoil about how to make money, how to make something of herself, how to "feel like a person again" (her words). I can understand how awfully hard it is for mums who feel like they have lost their identity and self-respect by leaving work to look after kids. It must be extremely difficult. I can also understand anxieties about going back to work, not having money. I can also understand the frustration of not earning any money, feeling more worthless, and even blaming it all on your husband. I can see how it comes to this. Its just that understanding all this doesn't make living with it any more palatable.

Months ago she said she wanted a part time job when C starts school full time. I see this as progress. I have no money after paying all the bills and I certainly can't afford Christmas without going into debt. Also, G needs to get out of the house - she needs adult company and conversation. She needs to have her independence - her own money. She needs to feel like she contributes effectively. So I encouraged her to get a job - not entirely selflessly, but constructively all the same.

She is quite particular. She doesn't want to go back to her trained profession. In fact she says she wants the least responsibility but at the same time she appears reluctant to admit this apparent retrograde step in her professional life - another extremely difficult challenge that faces working mothers. So she expressed an interest in working for a supermarket - less responsibility, minimum-wage work with somewhat flexible hours. She went to one supermarket and they didn't have any jobs. That was it - the hunt appeared to be over.

As the weeks past our youngest C finally went to school full time and G was home all alone. Frankly, she was bored. She didn't really do anything - nothing at all. I still did the kids lunchboxes, I still tidied and hoovered, I still got them dressed in the mornings, I still made their breakfasts. She booked Christmas fairs for her to sell her wares. More recently she has been consuming all the daylight hours making stuff to sell at these fairs. It appears the same old cycle carries on.

I tried to help by monitoring supermarket jobs on the web. When I found one that suited her requirements I told her about it. She seemed interested so I offered to fill in the application and I did. I made sure she was happy all the while. Only this Sunday did she complain that I bullied her into applying. I should never have helped and now its all my fault and I am always going to be to blame, whether she gets or takes the job or not.

So I am slowly learning to backoff. Let her make her stuff. Let her sell her stuff at fairs. Let her find her own job if at all. It only comes to a crunch when, during this period of being hands-off and uninvolved, she complains that she hasn't got any money and how she can't afford Christmas. Neither can I and the argument starts all over again.

What's to do eh? Thoroughly miserable and depressing. And to think, I work full-time, look after the kids at other times, and I earn a reasonably good salary yet I can't even buy myself a winter coat because there's always something more important to buy first or there simply isn't any money left at all. I refuse to continue to go into debt to pay for things - I'd rather go without. I've had enough of debts - they imprison me in my life.

I think I'm slowly descending into depression, anxiety and frustration, and I can't see a way out. There is no control yet there is also no sense in what I see going on around me. I cannot engage with people to change things because I become responsible for all the bad things that happen.

Perhaps I have done this to G. I have crushed her down into a pulp with no worth, no value, like a piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe (as she puts it). Perhaps I do treat her like a skivvy, a wench. I don't want to be a person who does these things, but how to put them right? I don't know what is going on but what I do know is that there is definitely dysfunction here and it depresses me.

Just returned from 6 nights (yes, six!) at Disneyland Paris and it would be fair to say that I am all Disney'd out..! If I hear the theme from "it's a small world" one more time I might just take Mickey Mouse hostage and hang him ;-)

That said, we did have a good time, the kids absolutely loved it and the weather was fantastic for late September. We drove this time (having flown in the past) and it was much more convenient and flexible, especially with little-ones. Expensive though! Lucky I bough half-board vouchers so we ate in the restaurants - most costing £75+ for a simple meal for the five of us!!

Suffering from the same old "post-vacation blues" I get when returning to work after some time off... hence the time spent writing here. I notice I haven't been here for over a month - since August in fact (missing the whole of September - naughty me!).

Things with G are still a bit icy. I'm getting more and more contemptuous of her family whenever I see or hear from them... they make me cringe and they always seem to be around. Its a pain in the neck, but this year I've managed to balance it somewhat with lots of time with my own family.

Autumn is definitely here this week - its cooling down and getting wet. I would be looking forward to Christmas if my finances weren't in such diabolical state. Not quite sure how I'm going finance us next year - another year without contributing to my pension and selling all my vacation I guess. gee great.

ttfn

This is my first post for over a month!

Things are a bit weird at the moment. I had my last (seventh) counselling session earlier this month and I have made loads of progress. I am a more self-assured and confident person as a result. I've started to see interesting changes in myself. I've started to eat more meat (having become virtually vegetarian) and I've started to do things I previously didn't enjoy (I spent yesterday at the beach in the hot sun - it was fantastic). Its almost as if I've lost that massively self-conscious side to me a bit - I'm much more able to exist. My brother used to describe me as "scared of human beings" because I didn't like to socialise with other children - and I suppose I was scared. I'm still a bit scared of people, but lately I've been able to go about my business with far far fewer inhibitions. Its great.

This is, for me, progress indeed.

What doesn't change, though, are all the people around me. G, the kids and the extended family. I'm really making a much bigger effort to spend time with my own family during the summer months (they aren't around in the winter) and this is proving to be good for me. I went to a great-aunty's birthday party in a city hours away last week and I saw family members I haven't seen for about 20 years! It was fantastic! I even did karaoke (badly)!

I'm not particularly enjoying G's family's company at the moment though. Its not her extended family as such, they are actually quite good fun and I get on with them just great. Its her closer family. Her aunt (who has this inherent need to visit and stay with us as often as possible, normally fortnightly), close cousins (like a brother to her) and mother. They actually think I'm horrible. I'm just smothered by them and react accordingly. In fact, I can't bear them anymore and take no interest in them at all.

G is a bit of a mess if I'm honest. I'm really beginning to wonder if I've overstayed my welcome in this marriage. Actually, I'm beginning to think (as my counsellor put it) that I may have outgrown this marriage. Sounds a bit self-involved but it does reflect my feelings quite accurately. G is still absolutely adamant that she's going to spend all her time doing her 'business'. There's not a lot of point in me being anti or negative about it because that just starts a game of cat-and-mouse with her persecuting me for lack-of-support and all manner of other things. To be honest, I couldn't really care less what she does with her time, money and emotions.

I'm quietly watching what's happening in our life. Whether G can see it or not, big changes are afoot. Our youngest starts school this Autumn and I want to see what happens when G is at home all day on her own most of the time. We've also got a couple of family holidays lined up and I'd like to see how we can manage those also.

This will make you laugh... we just had a nice weekend celebrating one of the kids birthday and yesterday we went to the beach. In typical aunty style she is staying with us pandering to the children's every whim for a few days (I'm actually really happy to be in work today because I can't take all the pandering nicey-nicey wierdness that emenates from her - you never know how she really feels and you can't really ever please her because she is so reluctant to express herself in any way at all, except when talking about something or someone that doesn't directly include her audience!). So it was a lovely hot day on the beech - the kids played in the sea and the sand and I sunbathed in the hot sun (lovely!). I'm not so sure Aunty liked it... she sat there in full long trousers and long sleeved top all day! Someone needs to relax and open up a bit methinks. Funny how they all think I'm the stress-head around here. I really couldn't care less anymore. No - really - I couldn't!

Had a long weekend... Friday to Sunday. Started OK'ish I suppose. Had Aunty with us on Thursday Night, Friday and Saturday morning (joy). Weather was ok until Saturday when it rained constantly all day.

G was pretty unbearable for much of the time. She has these things to make for her 'business' but didn't get much done. That coupled with some attitude and a lack of understanding that I was actually trying to help by looking after the kids and it was, all in all, pretty miserable. Aunty looked after the kids on Friday night and we went out for Mexican, except it was me being pretty upbeat and her crying into her chilli. I've been trying to stay in "adult" as recommended by my counsellor but its coming across to G as 'uncaring' and 'blunt'. I just want to get on with enjoying my life... she seems to want to make a victoria sandwich.

Part of me feels really sorry for her. She's only doing what she thinks is best. Except its not best. She's not actually very suited to starting a business - she lacks business instinct and confidence. She rarely sells anything to people other than friends and family and she seems to do it for a warm fuzzy feeling that people give her as positive feedback, despite not making any money. She's starting to realise this and is becoming quite depressed at the realisation and has started to question herself. She talks about getting a job (and we could certainly do with the extra money) but then she is not quite sure what job she would ever want, or when she would do it.

Yesterday was particularly awful. She wanted to make stuff for some event she has next weekend. I wanted to go out with the kids - it was sunny. I made it clear that I could go out all day if needed (in fact I offered to go out all weekend) but this was apparently too long. So I offered to take my phone and she could call me when she was finished. This was somehow not good enough either so a big row ensued. I really regret getting cross and emotional - I was really angry. It was like my whole Sunday was being ruined for absolutely no reason and I was just trying to be reasonable and go out! It didn't stop there, the row went on and on and I said some things I'm not proud of.

I then took H to a birthday party and when I returned G was pretty miserable - she was cross with me, citing a couple of things I'd said and turning all the focus and attention on those. I tried to explain what I had meant but it was a losing battle so I gave up. I wanted to go to the beach and was taking the kids. I asked her (being reasonable) if she wanted to come instead of make her stuff and she did so we all went. She went on and on at me with this same argument. We walked along the promenade a little bit but it was far to windy so we retreated to the playpark. The kids played for 20 mins while G and I spoke. I was exasperated at this point.

Now my counsellor suggested I chose a point in the future to do a reassessment of my life... to check if I wanted to continue with this marriage or not. I chose a date (in October, after a family holiday) and have not been particularly inclined to think about it until then. In a way, choosing a date some time out allows all the localised marital issues to be somewhat "smoothed", so that no one issue takes emotional precedence in any big decision making process.

However, yesterday it all got a bit too much for me and I conceded that perhaps this was the time for me to break this marriage off. I have had these thoughts about getting divorced in the back of my mind for quite some time but I was putting them off until October. Yesterday I had really had enough. I said to G, in no uncertain terms, that I thought this was the end of the road for us.

She was upset, started crying and we made our way back to the car. Somehow or other we got the kids some dinner and put them to bed before we could really chat and we talked until 1 o'clock in the morning. Not argued, but talked. G was very very upset. She kept thinking about things and bursting into tears. I was not upset. If I'm honest, I was a bit relieved. I think the difference between me and G is that G has just now found out that I do not necessarily want to be with her. I found this out last year when I caught her chatting to her ex-boyfriend on the internet. So she was much more upset than I was.

She seemed to keep hoping I would change my mind but it would be shallow and wrong for me to just switch because she got upset. All night I continued to reinforce my decision, and it is the right thing to do. The practical realities will be hard, but in the long term it should all be good. We both worried about the children especially.

I couldn't get to sleep. Everytime I turned over she started to cry again - I mean really loud whining crying. In the end I spoke to her about positive ways she could look at it. I reassured her that this doesn't have to be a quick split - we can take our time. We've got a lot of stuff to sort out - and the kids - so I think a quick split may be too damaging right now. This seemed to help a bit but I didn't want her to think that it was going to be all better - I needed to reinforce the decision in the end... so again she cried.

The only way I could get any sleep was to suggest that we might both feel better in the morning. I think she thought I might change my mind in the morning, and if it helped us get some sleep that was ok, but I'm not inclined to change my view that, in the long term, we are probably better off apart.

I'm very very tired, had a tiring weekend and not really in the mood for being back at work. Does this explain my completely unbelievably depressed mood at the moment? I mean, I really cannot be arsed to do ANYTHING. I'm feeling very very low indeed... I know that just last week I was elated and somewhat ecstatic? What is the matter with me?

I was talking about having over 25 years of working life left ahead of me and my colleague told me I should never count down the days. He said he's got through his 35 year working life without ever counting them down - instead he tries to enjoy every day, making each day count.

I'm not really sure what "making each day count" actually means. When I've finished a day, how could I reasonably assess whether that day counted or not. What is "count"? Does it have to mean something to me? should I be proud of it? happy with it? Does it count if I'm not even drawn to think about it because it doesn't occur to me to do so...?

Slightly weird predicament as I went for my lunchtime walk with my friend and colleague who is diagnosed terminally ill with cancer. So I have this person walking next to me who might not be alive in 12 months time and I'm complaining about being depressed. And with all her worries she still talks to me about it and it doesn't seem so weird.

Perhaps, for me, making each day count is about getting stuff done. I'm wondering if I am depressed at the moment because I'm not getting anything done and I'm tired. I'd spend a whole day doing nothing, then work will pile up around me, then I'll get swamped in it and I'll get depressed. Perhaps I need to actually do the work then I wouldn't have that particular pressure on me. I seem to need micromanaging because if I can avoid working at any point I generally will. It's tough.

Still seeing counsellor and she's excellent. We've been working really hard on my relationship with G. I've learned a whole lot about it, and I've also learned that I can adapt my behaviours to develop how I feel. E.g. I need to stop asking G "are you alright?" or "what's wrong?" or "what are you worrying about?" or "what are you thinking?"... these questions send messages to G on many levels... they tell G of how insecure I am, how I am paranoid in my worry about her, how I am scared that she is unhappy, how I worry about her leaving. In turn, G learns (either consciously or subconsciously) that she can get certain results by behaving in certain ways to prompt these questions or in response to these questions - a form of manipulation.

It would be nice if I wasn't insecure, paranoid, worried or scared... and that has to be my objective... and in the meantime, to adapt my behaviour so that I do not exhibit these emotions (even when I have them) will act as a precursor to actually breaking the cycle. G can't manipulate me, I won't express the emotions, and the hope is that in time the emotions will actually change, I will become more confident and less worried and G will be less able to manipulate me.

This is not to say that I should always hide my emotions, just that I need to break this particular cycle and this is one way of doing it. It's been really really tough though. The number of times I've asked (or wanted to ask) G one of those questions and had to stop myself or remind myself over the last week is interesting to me.

Well, here I am, trying to make each day count. I'm seeing my best friend and another old friend from college for a drink tonight. That will be nice. The day will count in that way. Won't have got much work done though, so not in that way...

I'm thinking I need a good rest and then I should really try to get my "house" in order - sort out my work and get some structure and routine. I might take tomorrow as vacation... kids in school, C in preschool.... no meetings in my diary... no urgent deadlines to meet.... I'll do it! Why the hell not?!

And I won't ask G, or mention it to her (She'll be working all day). I'll just do it and tell her I'm doing it. Good for me!