I'm very very tired, had a tiring weekend and not really in the mood for being back at work. Does this explain my completely unbelievably depressed mood at the moment? I mean, I really cannot be arsed to do ANYTHING. I'm feeling very very low indeed... I know that just last week I was elated and somewhat ecstatic? What is the matter with me?

I was talking about having over 25 years of working life left ahead of me and my colleague told me I should never count down the days. He said he's got through his 35 year working life without ever counting them down - instead he tries to enjoy every day, making each day count.

I'm not really sure what "making each day count" actually means. When I've finished a day, how could I reasonably assess whether that day counted or not. What is "count"? Does it have to mean something to me? should I be proud of it? happy with it? Does it count if I'm not even drawn to think about it because it doesn't occur to me to do so...?

Slightly weird predicament as I went for my lunchtime walk with my friend and colleague who is diagnosed terminally ill with cancer. So I have this person walking next to me who might not be alive in 12 months time and I'm complaining about being depressed. And with all her worries she still talks to me about it and it doesn't seem so weird.

Perhaps, for me, making each day count is about getting stuff done. I'm wondering if I am depressed at the moment because I'm not getting anything done and I'm tired. I'd spend a whole day doing nothing, then work will pile up around me, then I'll get swamped in it and I'll get depressed. Perhaps I need to actually do the work then I wouldn't have that particular pressure on me. I seem to need micromanaging because if I can avoid working at any point I generally will. It's tough.

Still seeing counsellor and she's excellent. We've been working really hard on my relationship with G. I've learned a whole lot about it, and I've also learned that I can adapt my behaviours to develop how I feel. E.g. I need to stop asking G "are you alright?" or "what's wrong?" or "what are you worrying about?" or "what are you thinking?"... these questions send messages to G on many levels... they tell G of how insecure I am, how I am paranoid in my worry about her, how I am scared that she is unhappy, how I worry about her leaving. In turn, G learns (either consciously or subconsciously) that she can get certain results by behaving in certain ways to prompt these questions or in response to these questions - a form of manipulation.

It would be nice if I wasn't insecure, paranoid, worried or scared... and that has to be my objective... and in the meantime, to adapt my behaviour so that I do not exhibit these emotions (even when I have them) will act as a precursor to actually breaking the cycle. G can't manipulate me, I won't express the emotions, and the hope is that in time the emotions will actually change, I will become more confident and less worried and G will be less able to manipulate me.

This is not to say that I should always hide my emotions, just that I need to break this particular cycle and this is one way of doing it. It's been really really tough though. The number of times I've asked (or wanted to ask) G one of those questions and had to stop myself or remind myself over the last week is interesting to me.

Well, here I am, trying to make each day count. I'm seeing my best friend and another old friend from college for a drink tonight. That will be nice. The day will count in that way. Won't have got much work done though, so not in that way...

I'm thinking I need a good rest and then I should really try to get my "house" in order - sort out my work and get some structure and routine. I might take tomorrow as vacation... kids in school, C in preschool.... no meetings in my diary... no urgent deadlines to meet.... I'll do it! Why the hell not?!

And I won't ask G, or mention it to her (She'll be working all day). I'll just do it and tell her I'm doing it. Good for me!

Relationship with G has improved markedly over the last week. In analysing it, I can see that the improvements stem from efforts on both sides.

It transpires G had approached a divorce lawyer and made an appointment. She cancelled the appointment at the eleventh hour, but things were serious. She says she found the whole thing 'too scary'. I too was pretty down about it all.

My counsellor has taught me that I may be somewhat victimised by G. I'm growing beyond that view somewhat in seeing how both G and I have contributed to the situation in which we find ourselves and we both need to fix it. G has shown great thoughtfulness and demonstrated a real effort with me in the last week - buying me nice things, thinking about me and talking to me. We have been kind to each other. I so much want to do the same too.

Today we lunched together, with G coming to my place of work and we had a full 1 hour at the local pub. It was really nice. We talked, mainly about G's new business venture, and it was nice as we enjoyed ourselves. We will do it again.

I bought new clothes to match my 3-stone-lighter new body. I was looking a bit silly in massively oversized trousers and shirts at work. It didn't come in cheap though... and it also cost me in self-imposed guilt as I know G also needs new clothes. I'm not exactly flush with cash but I think I should treat her somewhat soon... perhaps a nice shopping trip together or somesuch.

The kids were becoming a bit of a nightmare last week - very attention seeking and unhelpful (often agressive) behaviour. We've implemented a new approach which G and I formulated together late one evening after a particularly tricky day. The approach focuses the minds of the kids and rewards them positively for good and helpful behaviour. They lose perks for unhelpful behaviour and good behaviour builds towards fulfilling their own individual wishes. It's been working really well for the last few days. It seems vital for the kids that they have some sort of appraisal of the good things they have done and their achievements near the end of the day so we do a 'summing up' at dinner time with handing out of rewards. It all works well and I think it is a reasonable introduction to some of the ways-of-the-world. Their behaviour has certainly improved.

I'm even starting to think that the kid's behaviour might be contributing to the relationship troubles between G and I. We rarely have time to think or do things for ourselves and the kids can add to the stresses and strains of life considerably.

Planning to take R canoeing again this weekend - hope I still have the confidence to just 'jump in feet first'!

We've booked a holiday to Disneyland for the Autumn, so something to look forward to, and we're going up-north for a few days at the end of July. Will also visit the lake again for a weekend in early July and fully intend (finances willing) to take a one week center parcs break at Christmas... should be an OK year.

New car arrives in a matter of weeks... hopefully its a bit delayed (to give me a bit of extra time to find some spare cash!) but knowing my luck it will be timely. I'm thinking of buying the old car off the leasing company... it'll mean a personal loan but I think it's a good price and its only 2 years old... certainly a better investment than our existing 7-year old car that is probably on its way out...

Memories: H wanting to do his 'five minute box' every night, like a good conscientious boy. We worry about his reading skills and schoolwork generally, but he's a bright boy and I have every faith he will get it in his own time. We don't want to push or apply pressure - we think that would be counterproductive. He is still a completely absorbing and hugely affectionate child who I can't resist cuddling and kissing all day long!

Memories: R is having real trouble with her bladder problems. Really worried about her now. Seeing consultant on Weds. She's such a clever little bean - really good at sport, music and academic work. She's struggling with the demands placed on her in all these areas as they start to require increasing amounts of dedication and commitment, regular practice, higher levels of achievement and higher expectations. It's tough watching your child see an enjoyable activity turn into a whole lot of hard work. She seems to have an inner dialogue that tells her it is all worthwhile and drives her on, but I can see why many children would give up!

Memories: C doesn't seem to like preschool any more. Only 4 more weeks before she leaves though... (then big school!). She is gorgeous, the way she looks into my eyes when she's asking a question, with bated breath holding onto my every word then applying her own excellent form of logic to rationalise answers for herself or reinforce my answer... those big brown eyes and that curly blond hair.

They're all gorgeous.

Strange changes are taking place in my life. So I've been seeing this counsellor (seen her twice now) and she is really good but it is not straightforward. She's really challenging my perceptions of things and my understanding of my life and my relationship with G.

This can only be good and healthy but it is uncomfortable and tricky.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm a bit oppressed. My behaviour and what I do are, to some extent, dictated by G. She has these quite effective but quite unhealthy ways of manipulating me that I hadn't really realised before. For example, I take too much interest in what she is thinking, all in an effort to make her happy (although she sometimes finds this in itself irritating!). If she looks or behave unhappy I will wonder why and try to fix it. G seems to have latched onto this process and is taking advantage of it (whether consciously or subconsciously). For example, if she doesn't want me to do something she will express her unhappiness in other ways (such as about other things) but it is quite overt really what she is unhappy about, and I then feel compelled to make her happy by adapting my behaviour. Complicated really, but I can see it happening in real life.

I'm wondering if I need to stop trying to make her happy. She is responsible for her own happiness. If I happen to contribute to her happiness by being myself then that's all well and good. If not, its unfortunate. But either way, at least I don't have to constantly strive to address her wellbeing so proactively.

You can see that this is a slow and progressive process that may result in G and I going our own separate ways. Part of me thinks that if only G knew what was going on she might actually try to work with me in sorting this out. Instead she is ignorant of it. She is quite adamant that she is not responsible for her unhappiness.

A case in point: she spends all her time trying to start her business which involves doing something she supposedly enjoys (but which, like everything, when taken to excess becomes thoroughly unenjoyable!). It has so far been unsuccessful as a business but effective as a hobby I suppose (though G would hate me saying that). I have realised that I need some hobbies - some outlets for my own personal passions and ambitions. I hooked on two: canoeing and music. My eldest R also fancied canoeing so I took her to a local canoe club and we spend a few hours learning the basics having a really good time. When I went home there was an atmosphere - G was clearly unhappy. I enquired as to why and she projected her unhappiness onto other things, like the amount of work she had been doing cleaning the house or something else. When I scratched a bit deeper with the issue she was thoroughly pissed off that I could spend a few hours out in a boat with R when she could do nothing. She also got quite cross that I had suggested that she chose to pursue her business as her interest, claiming that this is instead a business for making money not a hobby. The fact of the matter is that her various "businesses" have collectively cost me a couple of thousand pounds over the last 2 years and have made no money to speak of. So, whether consciously or not, she ruined my day. She spoiled the activity of canoeing with my eldest R leaving me with a deep and lasting guilt when doing anything like that again. She did the same with the music, though she wouldn't agree with my assessment. I told her I was going to get lessons. She asked if we can afford it. We can't really. I admitted we can't really. She got hissy about how she can't spend money so why should I. Perhaps I shouldn't. She would say she's just pointing out the obvious. I feel like I can't pursue that interest either. Don't get me wrong - when she has an interest she wants to pursue we would look at ways we could do it, both in terms of the time and money required (e.g. her businesses - case in point).

I know, deep down, that I should be carrying on with my life how I want in as reasonable a way as I can. I don't think canoeing with R once in a while is unreasonable (its certainly not expensive at all - almost free!). Music lessons are also not unreasonable if I can find the time and money somehow. I think the challenge (or the 'test') for our marriage is whether G can overcome her resentments and work with me instead of against me.

There she is now, phoning me at work. She's telling me how happy some woman was because she'd made some things for her (as part of her business). In fairness, she did make some money on this one product (all spent now I think!) and it may be the first of many. I found myself shuddering when I saw her call on the phone. I think I'm beginning to dislike her. I acted busy and gave my apologies, saying goodbye.

Memories: R on the water for the first time... she picked up canoeing extremely quickly, managing forwards, backwards and winning a game in the water! Very very proud of her.

So on Tuesday, following a rough couple of arguments with my wife, I got so low that I called the 'counselling hotline' and was referred for some face to face sessions with a counsellor. Yesterday I had my first such session and what a revelation! I was told to expect feelings of elation and ecstasy after a first session - and that these feelings would not last - but I came away feeling really positive that I had actually made a move that might ultimately change my life.

Of course it will be a slow process, and nobody can promise that it will work, but coupled with my new-found motivation for healthy eating & exercise and my recent 3 stone weight loss (I'm now down to just under 13 stone from a near 16-stone peak) I think these sessions will round off a new-me.

The counsellor is absolutely fantastic. Non-judgemental and easy to talk to. One thing she said which really hit a chord with me is that I am an artist, and a seemingly repressed one at that. I've always loved music and poetry and I have not pursued these passions at all. This was a big eye-opener. It never really occurred to me that such personal passions make such a difference to mental health, but on reflection I think she is absolutely right.

Anyway, the diet, exercise and counselling continues! Lets see how things flourish.

P.S. I just noticed (1 month too late, by the way, because I'm editing this on 16th June 2009!) that this post marks a 4 year (and 2 day!) anniversary of my blog! Woopee! 4 years of blogging! It doesn't seem like that long....... I notice the same old issues go round and round in this blog. how predictable am I?!

well, I had the call-back (the moment I pressed the save button on the blog actually) and they've scheduled me in for some face-to-face sessions with a local counsellor. My first appointment is tomorrow evening (!!)

It's going to be hard. G was very interested to hear what I talked about with the phone counsellor and I tried to remember the conversation but it was all a bit vague. I guess I felt a little bit of a fraud - because I'm so good at hiding my problems I have also become quite good at hiding them from myself! Sometimes I really wonder what all the fuss is about... am I really troubled at all? Maybe its just that I'm not nice to G. Maybe I've just bred a whole load of resentment and contempt for G.

It would be very odd if I got the the counsellor and realised I was actually in quite a good mood, in high spirits, and didn't really want to dwell on loads of depressing or miserable things... I don't know...

Anyway, I'll be at the appointment tomorrow evening and I'll let you know how I get on.

Thanks for the comments by the way - nice to know someone is listening to this stuff