So its been over a month since my last post and once again I'm compelled to write...
Every now and then I get so completely depressed, disillusioned, demoralised and demotivated I just completely fail to be productive for anything at all. I'm not getting anything done and haven't done for weeks. I'm just plodding along. Something is very wrong with me that I can't just get of my arse and get things done. Partly its because I can go on without doing much, and partly its because I don't want to do anything. I'm being a complete waste of space at the moment.
G had a absolute explosion of emotion on Sunday - I was still in bed and she was moaning about not having any money for Christmas. I commented that perhaps she could earn some for herself (since all three of the kids are now at school full time) and one way or another this led her to yell at me at the top of her voice "I HATE YOU!" about 5 times as she left the bedroom. This persisted for most of the day, in full view of the kids. I got pretty angry and yelled back. She screamed about how her family don't like the way I treat her and she just generally had a good old go at me. She would hit her head with the palm of her hand over and over, rocking back and forth, repeatedly saying "you have done this to me" and "you're screwing me up, I've got to get away", all in front of the kids. It was a scene not unfamiliar to those in mental institutions.
I'm fairly open minded. I'm not sure if I've done this to her or not. I was at counselling this year and I spent quite a bit of time convincing myself that I probably don't cause all these problems, while being open the prospect of being a big contributor to them of course. That said, when your wife is rocking back and forth talking to herself like this you can only start to believe her. I burst into tears because if I have caused all these problems I certainly haven't intended to. I really do want a happy and somewhat quiet life. I don't get any benefit or pleasure from undermining my own wife. I did say to her, me wrecking her is like me gouging out my own eyes - there's no sense to it.
Subsequently she's been apologetic and depressive and I've been really quite shaken up. The thing is that she is still making things for her "business". That is a business that makes no money whatsoever (and indeed has cost us quite a fortune over the years). She has been trying to earn money and failed. In fact, she was out last night selling stuff she'd spent a lot of this week making. I asked her how much she'd earned - she said £40. I asked her how much she spent on Monday at the shop buying the raw materials for the stuff she made and she said £41. And yet she is still doing it, spending her time and money on these things. She's out again tonight to do the same again. And again on Saturday. And again next weekend.
Part of me feels sorry for her. She is in turmoil about how to make money, how to make something of herself, how to "feel like a person again" (her words). I can understand how awfully hard it is for mums who feel like they have lost their identity and self-respect by leaving work to look after kids. It must be extremely difficult. I can also understand anxieties about going back to work, not having money. I can also understand the frustration of not earning any money, feeling more worthless, and even blaming it all on your husband. I can see how it comes to this. Its just that understanding all this doesn't make living with it any more palatable.
Months ago she said she wanted a part time job when C starts school full time. I see this as progress. I have no money after paying all the bills and I certainly can't afford Christmas without going into debt. Also, G needs to get out of the house - she needs adult company and conversation. She needs to have her independence - her own money. She needs to feel like she contributes effectively. So I encouraged her to get a job - not entirely selflessly, but constructively all the same.
She is quite particular. She doesn't want to go back to her trained profession. In fact she says she wants the least responsibility but at the same time she appears reluctant to admit this apparent retrograde step in her professional life - another extremely difficult challenge that faces working mothers. So she expressed an interest in working for a supermarket - less responsibility, minimum-wage work with somewhat flexible hours. She went to one supermarket and they didn't have any jobs. That was it - the hunt appeared to be over.
As the weeks past our youngest C finally went to school full time and G was home all alone. Frankly, she was bored. She didn't really do anything - nothing at all. I still did the kids lunchboxes, I still tidied and hoovered, I still got them dressed in the mornings, I still made their breakfasts. She booked Christmas fairs for her to sell her wares. More recently she has been consuming all the daylight hours making stuff to sell at these fairs. It appears the same old cycle carries on.
I tried to help by monitoring supermarket jobs on the web. When I found one that suited her requirements I told her about it. She seemed interested so I offered to fill in the application and I did. I made sure she was happy all the while. Only this Sunday did she complain that I bullied her into applying. I should never have helped and now its all my fault and I am always going to be to blame, whether she gets or takes the job or not.
So I am slowly learning to backoff. Let her make her stuff. Let her sell her stuff at fairs. Let her find her own job if at all. It only comes to a crunch when, during this period of being hands-off and uninvolved, she complains that she hasn't got any money and how she can't afford Christmas. Neither can I and the argument starts all over again.
What's to do eh? Thoroughly miserable and depressing. And to think, I work full-time, look after the kids at other times, and I earn a reasonably good salary yet I can't even buy myself a winter coat because there's always something more important to buy first or there simply isn't any money left at all. I refuse to continue to go into debt to pay for things - I'd rather go without. I've had enough of debts - they imprison me in my life.
I think I'm slowly descending into depression, anxiety and frustration, and I can't see a way out. There is no control yet there is also no sense in what I see going on around me. I cannot engage with people to change things because I become responsible for all the bad things that happen.
Perhaps I have done this to G. I have crushed her down into a pulp with no worth, no value, like a piece of shit on the bottom of my shoe (as she puts it). Perhaps I do treat her like a skivvy, a wench. I don't want to be a person who does these things, but how to put them right? I don't know what is going on but what I do know is that there is definitely dysfunction here and it depresses me.
