So we had a pretty good weekend - very good actually. Got lots done on Saturday and took the kids out for a great day on Sunday. It's H's birthday this week so some preps for that and some days out I expect. We've got aunty coming over for most of it.

In view of these general improvements, yesterday I felt a return of the general malaise with some particular concerns that G really isn't happy. As my friends have said, you don't write those things to an ex-boyfriend if you really don't mean them even slightly. I mean, she could be thinking right now but wouldn't tell me until it is convenient for her.. perhaps shes just getting ready to leave in due course. Perhaps I'm labouring under a misapprehension

I brought all this up with G yesterday and she was kind, thoughtful and patient with me. She gave me some reassurances that she loves me and wants our marriage to work. She hasn't been doing that all week really (only in a half-hearted way) and my insecurities will only grow if she is telling the truth and this is reflected in our behaviour towards each other. Again, only time will tell.

It transpires both of us have had pretty negative responses from friends and family. Nobody in her family likes me or thinks our marriage is strong. Nobody I know cares enough to talk about it (except my best friend).

So, we're working hard at it.. seeing if we really love each other and testing ourselves out by being absolutely sure that we will not brush anything under the carpet. Lets see how it goes.

As part of our chat yesterday she did tell me about her conversations with her ex-boyfriend on the internet, and in particular, that he had asked her for a photo (since she has a new mobile phone with a camera). She apparently brushed this off but he made some sort of lude comment. I told her that I don't really care what his or her intentions are, if she is serious about growing a strong and secure marriage her conversations with her ex should not include him talking to her about sex or anything lude or with innuendo. I don't think it at all appropriate for me to have an issue with her talking to her ex, but I am very uncomfortable with that particular subject of conversation. I made it clear that if she wants to have that sort of chat with him then we have (or she has) got issues and we probably won't be able to move forward in our marriage. My view of marriage is that it doesn't include having a laugh at your partner's expense. Maybe I'm odd, but that's just me.

At the end of this stressful week things are getting worse. I went for a good long walk with my best friend yesterday. Afterwards I thought about things. The problem we have now is that G is going to realise just how bad it was for me to read her messages. This is bad. I said before I wasn't sorry, but now I'm regretting it.

How can she trust me again if I'm such a control freak? I haven't really ever sought to control before. I'm not looking at her messages now but she'll probably never get over the fact that I did once. For that reason I think things will be difficult an never the same.

She is quite unsettled at the moment. Again, I'm not sure we'll ever get back to the way things were.

Things with G are "on ice". I'm not particularly happy with any rash decisions on either side - we definitely don't want to brush anything under the carpet. I need to fully think through what I want and she needs to do the same. Then we need an action plan - whether its to split, or to build a stronger relationship. I'm not going to just let this wash over me and fizzle away only to rear its ugly head again in about 3 years time. We either do it properly or there is no point.

I did something I never thought I would do. Part of me feels guilty that I didn't trust her (although it was the right thing to do to make some actual progress in this relationship) and that I read her messages. I haven't read them since and don't really plan to do so. To make the whole situation a bit more equitable I felt I needed to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with her too. My private thoughts that were never intended for her to see. So, yesterday I offered to give her a copy of this diary. Part of me thought it was a silly idea - this whole diary is largely full of crap and irrelevant daily observations. I'm sure there are some nuggets of use to our relationship in here (one way or another) but it goes back to 2005 and I really can't remember everything I've written. She seemed happy to read it, probably out of curiosity. So I just printed it down and gave it to her. I didn't even read it first. Its a bit risky really - what if I've said some really nasty things in haste? Well, its all academic now because she has the diary and she's part-way through reading it. I hope she's not just reading it for my benefit - it is pretty boring and a bit sad really.

So that may be progress, but additionally I really want to think about the things I want out of my relationship so I can be sure we make the right decision whatever way things go.

1. I want complete honesty and trust. I do trust G much more now (after the 'incidents' over the last couple of weeks) but she also needs to be able to trust me (not to read her mail, for example!). I know G would not have an affair without splitting up with me first. She would hurt me, the kids and ultimately herself. Much better to be honest and split up first.

2. I want positivity. I don't want faked, false, forced or groundless positivity. If G really has a negative opinion of me or something I do or have done, she should take it up with me and let me address it. Behaviour can change (I can easily change it) and we could at least agree some compromises. If this happens, we should have a much more positive relationship. If we say negative things to other people about each other (things that would be hurtful) then there is a problem. Those negative things should be sorted out within the relationship. Thats not to say we can't talk to our close friends about each other, but we should also try to sort things out.

3. I want happiness. I don't want anybody to "make do", "brush under the carpet", feel inadequate or miserable. We should all be honest with our goals and ambitions and support each other in them. We need realistic objectives so we can enjoy the rewards of meeting them. There's no point wanting to climb mount everest if it takes 10 years to prepare for it. We need to get rewards ever year, possibly every month or week! Our objectives should be set accordingly. Things change. Life changes. G will have much more time next autumn when C goes to school. Then the objectives might become even more exciting!

4. I want us to have time as a couple. G and I need a proper relationship. I want us to spend much more time together as a couple. This should include simple things and special things. I remember when we used to go to Relate - we had a laugh just going out together once a week! Even if we did just end up in a shop or in the car going home.. it was fun time together. We should have a laugh. We should do special things - eat out, see friends, go away to hotels. We should also do routine things on our own. Just going to Sainsbury's and doing the shopping as a couple will bring us together! It sounds stupid, but its real life! We should live it together!

5. I want G to have a life. I want her to think long and hard about her needs and how they can be satisfied. She is a person and should feel like one. She needs a challenge, adult company and more opportunities to fulfill her ambition. She should be able to.

6. I want G to know how sexy she is and how much I fancy her all the time, and how much I want her body. That hasn't changed. Nuff said.

So, there's my list of wants. Hopefully G's list is similar or the same. If I (we) can't plan and commit to getting all of those things then I think we should split. If we both share the same 'wants' and are both prepared to work at it in each of these areas then I think we should stay together and reassess in, say, 6 months time.

Now I just have to figure out how to say this to G without waffling on for 10 hours and her just saying "shut up!" under her breath...

I've been naughty, but I'm not sorry. I was getting incredibly frustrated that G wouldn't talk to me properly. She has been clearly very bothered about something (or things) but just stares into space or gets snappy with me. My endeavors to get to the heart of the issue receive short shrift and I am accused of being an annoying nagbag. She says she doesn't know how she feels. All I really want to do is understand. So, I watched her chat with her ex-boyfriend yesterday. I could see everything she said.

I'm glad I did.

Finally, some clarity. She's been lying about not knowing what she feels. She knows perfectly well. Well enough to discuss it with her ex in some detail. It starts with "I can't bear it any more" swiftly followed by "he's always hen pecking at me". The conversation is clearly a continuation of an earlier chat. Asking her ex what she should do she says she's just worried about the kids, and that "the thought of living in a monkey house and claiming benefits makes me feel sick, but I'm really not happy".

Ahhh. Clarity at last. If only she could be honest about these things with me instead of just pacifying me or worse still drawing me into insecurity and frustration. She definitely wants to split with me, saying "if I knew I could manage financially I'd be gone" and "if someone came along who was nice to me I'd be gone". Then the truth about the last 'n' years of our marriage... "maybe I'm better off brushing it all under the carpet and pretending its all alright like I normally do".

Her negative attitude to me is evident too. "I know he won't make it easy for me...he fuels my anxiety...he said he'd fight me for custody {I didn't!}...he knows all the weazle ways". The funny thing is that I always knew she wanted to divorce, deep down. In fact on my drive home last night I was thinking about life after divorce. I was assuring myself that I would be a nice divorcee - not angry, hateful, spiteful or negative. I wanted to make sure my kids were well supported, that they lived with their mum (since that's what G wants), that I saw them regularly and that I will always be a good friend to G - there when she needs someone. At the same time she was describing me in these very negative terms. This is a reasonable basis for a split - such off-target criticism. I don't think I deserve them.

Some bombshells from when we got married... she said "when you get married and the vicar says is there anyone who thinks there is a reason why these 2 people should not be together or whatever he says, I wish someone would have piped up and saved me" and "I was on the phone to mum crying a week before my wedding saying I can't call it off now everyones on their way to the weeding venue". Nice to know our marriage is built on strong foundations! How refreshing to finally have the truth though.

She will be better off without me "to be honest I think I would grow if I was on my own"

Then something that made me feel really used - really quite sick actually... "I'll spend all his money first, then go. better book myself in for plastic surgery... I'm nice really, I wouldn't do that". I'm not sure what she would and wouldn't do anymore.

"I just wish he loved me really Am I so hard to love?" - no she's not. I love her and have been trying to show her for years. Then the reiteration of what she's told me - we have issues, but we can't discuss them because I go on too much... "cos he will go on and on all night... what you could say in one sentance he will take ten years to say...old woman...under my breath I'm going just shut up!"

So, I am guilty of intruding on the privacy of my wife and I'm glad I did it. How refreshing it is to have such clarity. How much better I feel for knowing where I stand. I was honest with her - I told her I had spied on her and she pretty much just started crying. It was pretty intense, but I was quite surprised by my own reaction - I was calm, honest, open and constructive (as best I could be). The kids were still up having dinner so I had to be calm for their sake (they have no idea that there is a problem).

We spent the whole evening chatting over pizza. Of course she came out with generally reassuring noises - she didn't mean the stuff about the wedding apparently - she was just scared of my mum (they really didn't get on back then, and still don't really). As for the rest - its pretty much true. She's not sure if she wants a split or not. She says she still loves me. I still love her. She needs time to think it all through.

To be honest I'm not sure what the problem is. She said that she has only felt this strongly the last couple of days and that she is hormonal right now... but it doesn't explain the strength of feeling. I feel a bit more unsettled again now because she wasn't able to be completely frank with me as to whether she wants to split or not. I know its not all her decision, but I have been really quite happy lately (St Johns Wort working a treat! helped with this palava considerably I reckon!) and as a family we are better off than ever. One issue that keeps raising its head is that G feel's she is not a 'person' anymore - just a stay-at-home mum. I said that she'd been begging to give up work for years until she finally did in in 2006. Ever since she's been pining after a life that doesn't so closely resemble hell! Will she ever be happy? I don't think so. With me or without me, unless she marries a millionaire, she'll have the same issues. I proposed to try to help her with this if that would improve the situation. She's not sure. Why am I being so damned accommodating? After some of the stuff she said?

Anyway, this morning I was all lovey-dovey with her and I regret it. Things don't go away like that. She's probably just going to brush it all under the carpet again - that would not be appropriate. The best thing I can do is leave her alone. Give her space and let her think things through over a couple of days. I'm going to see my best friend on Thursday so that'll be helpful for me. Meanwhile I need to get through the next couple of nights without hassling her (preferably not being around her at all).

In typical love-sick style I dwell on all these things. Its unhealthy and unproductive, but its all I've got. Focusing on anything is hard right now.

I really wonder what happens next. Really, I do.

I'm on day 7 of using St. Johns Wort. I'm not sure if its really having an effect... I seemed somewhat hyper on days 1-3 (a bit manic) but I'm suspicious that it would work so quickly, and I was a bit down on days 4 & 5. Perhaps its the placebo effect. Also, I can't believe how expensive this stuff is. Sure, Asda and Tesco sell small pots for a couple of quid but its not the proper stuff (not used in clinical trials and proven to be effective). For that you need a special formulation from a German company that costs about £15 a box! (and that box lasts 10 days on the most effective dose!). I've taken to importing the stuff from the states - my first box of US tabs arrived yesterday, with 15 days supply costing £3.5! Crazy...

We've had some hairy times over the last week. G's flirtations with her ex on the web went from bad to worse. They're taking the piss out of me really, although for G I think its something more. So when I confronted her with it she was generally apologetic and trying to play it down but she said a couple of things that made me think. Firstly, while she represents the whole exchange with her ex as just a "laugh", she also indicated that she quite liked the positive attention she received from him. Way to make me feel better, gee thanks.

Secondly, she seems to be telling untruths to either me or her ex (and I suspect its me). She will emphasis how it is just a laugh and yet she'll tell her ex that she's wearing lace-topped stockings! Why would she do that? She's not doing it for my benefit because as soon as she sends that message she deletes it (not realising I can see the deleted messages). That is the most scary thing because she's actively flirting behind my back. She doesn't know I know about this.

She complains that I've blown it all out of proportion, but at the same time proclaims to appreciate how I must feel. She went of sex for about a week, and even now she's not really as passionate as she was. Sometimes I think she's a bit selfish - the whole intimacy thing is mainly about pleasing her.

Ahh well.. c'est la vie. The St. Johns Wort must be having some sort of effect because I can laugh a lot of things off much more easily! On Friday G said I was acting a bit weird (a bit "smug"). She thought I'd done something - perhaps exacted revenge on her ex! She even wrote to him to warn him that I might do something!! Ha ha ha! What would I do? Send a 'nasty' email?! oooooooo, scary! (nice to see she really cares about him though, looking after him like that). No, I think its just that I'm feeling a bit chilled, like someone else said (on the 'net somewhere), St Johns Wort seems to "take the edge off". Perhaps that explains my behaviour. I feel like nothing really matters (except the really important things). Unfortunately, I think I'm even feeling like I could cope with a separation should things come to that. I explained that to G. Hopefully she took it the right way (I'm not actively looking to separate, but if it came to it, it wouldn't be the end of my world - that's what I mean).

I've also been thinking about why G is so hard to please. She seems to be completely incapable of ever settling down without needing to strive for some unimaginably complex, difficult and extraordinary goal. Lately she's been wanting to buy a huge plot of land to build an enormous mansion with a pool, cinema, have a housekeeper and throw monthly parties for all her friends! She just doesn't seem to live in the real world sometimes. That makes me wonder whether we're she's ever going to be happy. Unless she leaves me for some millionaire somewhere, she might one day need to just accept her lot and hopefully find happiness in lesser things. I'm certainly able to find some pleasure on lesser means.

In any event, I got a whopping payrise last week and yesterday I got an award too! August is a good pay month. Looking forward to our holiday in the sun in September and then Christmas to look forward to! Yay!

Memories of the children: H has started drawing little pictures and leaving them on our bed for us... ahhh !